The Romcom of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Duwee Davis II
Summary: Haruhi recruits more members for the SOS Brigade, and hopes to set up some kind of real-life romantic comedy. T for Suzumiya-ness. I assure you, no Yaoi here. Although knowing Haruhi, there may be slightly implied Yuri. Don't let that put you off! Review!
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning of the End

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 1: The beginning of the end**

I was trying to enjoy my morning hike to school, and I was actually getting quite into it, that is, until Taniguchi, idiot that he is, broke my walking rhythm (if that actually is a thing- tell me if it is, I'm sure I got into one).

"Hey, Kyon, what's up?"

"Hi, Taniguchi. Nothing's up... why, you think there was?"

"Well, yeah. Your face is all... sad-looking."

"If you remember rightly that's how I always look." I cynically replied in a vague attempt to end the conversation.

"Man, I wish I could walk with Miss Asakura... she always smiled. Why'd she have to leave?"

Resisting the urge to say "She's an alien that tried to kill me and would've succeeded if Nagato hadn't saved my life." I simply remained silent. Then, the dumbass within me poked a hole in my mouth, and I happened to make sounds that could've been interpreted as;

"She was double-A plus, eh Taniguchi."

"Hell yes, sir! Oh, man, I wish that she was here. I would've asked her out sooner if I knew she would have gone so soon in the term..."

I tried to recover from my stupidity of getting him into a sexist debate, but failed.

"So, how would you rate Haruhi?"

"Miss Suzumiya? If she wasn't so weird, I'd give her an A... yeah, she's an A."

"Hmph. And I know that Nagato's an A minus for you, right? How about Miss Tsuruya?"

"Ha, her! Man, she's hyper! I'd give her a B plus! Hell, if she didn't have that annoying lisp-thing, I'd give her an A minus too!"

_Is there anyone who stands a chance of getting lower than a B in Taniguchi's books that I'd know? Damn, that means that either Taniguchi's standards are low or I have a tendency to be surrounded by beautiful girls... not that I have a problem with either explanation._

"And what about... Miss Asahina?"

Taniguchi went red. "Um... her... well, ha, you see, Kyon, when I see her I always go totally bonkers, but she's totally unobtainable, man! I wish I were you, Kyon- she trusts you but she's, like totally afraid of me."

_Is it any wonder? I know I'm a bit of a perv sometimes, but you make me look like a saint. Maybe, Taniguchi, if you were just a little more tactful, and a little less in your face, maybe girls will like you._

_Oh, and Taniguchi, don't wolf-whistle. That's just dumb._

"Kyon? What are you thinking? Come on, spit it out."

_Damn it._

Due to not wanting to hurt the macho, yet clearly innocent guys feelings, I said, "I'm just wondering what Haruhi is gonna force us to do next... that's all."

"You and Miss Suzumiya are a good couple, you know that?"

_Shut up, that's what every fan of Haruhi Suzimiya thinks. Wait, I can break the fourth wall in my thoughts?_

"Shut up." I said in some kind of attempt at a come-back.

"Ha, deny it all you want, buddy, but you and Suzumiya are an item. She doesn't treat you like any other guy."

"She treats me like I'm her employee!"

_And speaking of which, I want some pay for when I bought the SOS brigade lunch but Koizumi was the last to meet up._

"Whatever, bro. Anyway, see ya."

It's strange how, when you are lost in conversation, no matter how inane and pointless it is, you always find yourself further along where you were going than you expected to be. Right now, I was in the shoe locker room after what seemed like two minutes of talking with Taniguchi.

I put my shoes in the locker, and, surprise, surprise, Koizumi is there.

"Hey Koizumi."

"Hello to you too. Say, what do you reckon Miss Suzumiya has planned for us today?"

_Did he just say my previous thoughts out loud? Damn it Koizumi, if you're an esper in closed space and a psychic in regular conditions, I'm gonna punch you for lying to me._

"Who knows? Say, you're crazy about her and her god-like powers, you must have some insight into her crazy personality."

"Yes, I do. But not as much as you of course." Koizumi replied, and then smiled in that gleeful, irritating way that he does, "I asked you because I thought _you_ would have more insight than me into Miss Suzumiya's eccentric behaviour."

"Well, I've drawn a blank. Whatever it is... it's gonna be weird."

Koizumi just laughed. What the hell was so funny? "Even I could have deduced that much."

Class was... class. As much as I hate to admit it, it was a good thing the SOS Brigade existed. It's a more fun way to spend time after school than studying. I mean, how psyched am I meant to get over Statistics? Apparently lots, seen as that's what our class did for the Arts festival.

Haruhi didn't say much to me over the day, but I did hear her laughing to herself a couple of times. This frightened me... she usually blurts out whatever she has in mind to entertain herself right in the middle of a lesson.

Haruhi quietly said when lunch began, "Go to the club room, Kyon. I have a surprise for you."

_A surprise. I'm worried. Is it a time travelling esper alien? Is it a huge-ass camel cricket in symbiosis with the internet? What is it? Damn, this is scary._

So I walked to club room, alongside Haruhi, with legs like blancmange. Haruhi was grinning the whole way.

When I opened the door, I recoiled in shock. It was Taniguchi, Kunikida, and Miss Tsuruya.

"What do you think, Kyon? They're our new permanent members! I figured seen as they've been so helpful that they deserved to be part of the Brigade!" Haruhi joyfully proclaimed.

_I don't believe it. How did Haruhi get them all to join? Well, Tsuruya would probably join anyway, but Taniguchi and Kunikida? How?_

Tsuruya, hyperactive as ever, shouted "Hey, Kyon, Haruhi like, totally let me join the club! I'm like, totally ecstatic, megas! Apparently I'm mascot number 2!"

_That's not good. That means that poor Miss Tsuruya is going to have to go through all the trauma Miss Asahina goes through. Speaking of Mikuru, where is she?_

Haruhi, overjoyed, said, "Yeah, I thought that Mikuru could do with a break every once in a while, so Tsuraya is kind of like her back-up girl! Now, Tsuruya, do you want to put on your first outfit? This one's a maid outfit!" and then grabbed a less busty maid outfit from some shopping bags.

Tsuruya looked confused, and then said, "Like, totally cool! Is there a place I can change?"

"You'll change here." Haruhi bluntly replied. "Now, now, boys, get out!"

_Excellent, a chance to ask Taniguchi and Kunikida why they joined._

Upon walking out of the room, I seized my opportunity.

"Okay, why did you agree to this?"

Taniguchi, being the loud one in this seemingly comedic pairing, spoke first.

"Ha, Miss Suzumiya said that if I wanted to hang out with Miss Asahina, that I should just join the SOS Brigade! So I did!"

Kunikida then followed by saying, "I'm quite interested in what you guys do all day. I'm gonna enjoy finding out!"

I smiled wryly. The shouting and less protesting yells from Miss Tsuruya had stopped, and Haruhi's voice shouted, "Come in!"

Naturally, when we did, Taniguchi took instantly to drooling over Tsuraya's outfit. Not that it wasn't a fine sight indeed...

Shortly after, the three usual but strangely absent Brigade Members appeared, each with their own excuses.

Koizumi's was 'work'. Mikuru's was... 'chores'. Yuki's was 'paying the rent'. Wait, they went home to do their errands, and then came back to school just to do SOS Brigade stuff? Something's wrong...

Koizumi grinned, as usual, and said casually, "I see the clubroom is unusually full." he then proceeded to lean towards me and whisper, "There's something serious I wanna talk about. Miss Suzumiya... she's planning some kind of romantic comedy scenario... that's all."

_That explains why Haruhi wanted Taniguchi and Kunikida. With four male members, and four female members, then a romantic comedy is ideal. Four pairings. Damn it. This means I end up with Haruhi, doesn't it?_

"So, she's planning to hook everyone up?"

"Precisely. I don't know which way she'll pair us, but whatever she does, we must play along too... she is quite enthusiastic about this. There is one pairing I do know though..." 

"...don't say it."

"Face it, she loves you. That's what she wants to get from this. She has been ever since she recognized you as a younger, similar guy to a certain 'John Smith'."

"I hate you."

"Now, that was uncalled for, although I know you don't mean it. Anyway, we should end our discussion... your friend approaches."

Taniguchi interrupted, and said, "Hey, Kyon, what are you and Koizumi talking about? Girls? You'd best be! Hey, Koizumi, how would you rank the girls here?"

Koizumi looked genuinely confused, as if he'd never given thought on the subject.

"How do you rank? Arbitrary units?"

"No, a letter. A for good, F for Bad."

"Oh." Koizumi then laughed and smiled. "Well, Miss Nagato is an A, Miss Asahina is an A also, Miss Suzimiya is an A plus, and Miss Tsuruya is an A."

_Was he seriously playing along with this? And what's with the high ranking of Haruhi, Koizumi?_

"Heh, so you have a thing for all the girls here, eh? You could get 'em all Koizumi, as much as I hate to admit it!"

"You think so?" Koizumi replied in mock surprise, "Well, I should get my dating game on then, shouldn't I?"

Haruhi stamped her feet to end the various conversations around the room, and announced:

_Fanfare please. _"Now that everyone's here, the SOS Brigade shall do... searches for the weird and wonderful, starting first thing tomorrow! I have a new way of selecting teams, and they'll all be pairs from now on! So, let's cheer!"

Everyone unenthusiastically cheered (except for Koizumi, who always cheers enthusiastically, and Nagato, who merely continued to read her book) and the day ended there.

Author's note: Review please! This is my first chronological (not one-shot) Fanfic, so please do a well-rounded critique! So, hope you enjoyed!

Update: Thank you Secret base! Saving my Fanfic from spelling damnation!


	2. Chapter 2: The Mysteries of this World

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 2: The mysteries of this world**

It's Saturday. Now, if I were a regular, high-school-going, Japanese student, I'd be resting on this day, recuperating from studies. Unfortunately, Haruhi has no concept of rest. I was to meet Haruhi in town, at nine. I was pretty sure I wouldn't get a 'penalty' this time... Taniguchi is part of the Brigade now, right?

When I got there at five to nine, there they were, all seven of the others.

_How the hell did Taniguchi beat me here?_

"You're late, Kyon." Haruhi scolded. "Penalty!"

So I bought everyone brunch, and Haruhi then declared her new method of selecting pairs for the 'searches' that we do.

"Okay, what we do is have eight sticks. Two are unmarked, two have red on them, two have blue on them, and two have green on them. Now, the girls pick one from my left hand, and the boys pick one from my left!"

_Oh yeah, I forgot she was trying to set us up in boy-girl pairs. I should probably take what Koizumi says on board._

Haruhi grinned and said, "Well, pick one!"

Nagato picked first. She got blue. Koizumi picked red, Kunikida picked an unmarked one. I then picked a green stick, as did Miss Tsuruya, and Taniguchi picked a blue stick. Miss Asahina got an unmarked stick, and Haruhi was left with a red-marked stick.What, did you expect me to use a different word for stick each time? I'm not good at synonyms for thin pieces of wood, if you honestly want the truth.

_Lucky Kunikida... having Miss Asahina all to himself. Now, all I have to do is sneak away from Miss Tsuruya and..._

"Hey! That means I'm like, with Kyon! You and me will make an awesome team! Ain't that right, Haru-nyon?" my partner for the day, Tsuruya shouted.

Haruhi had a face that could only be described as disappointed. I knew why, Koizumi knew why, but no-one else seemed to notice.

Koizumi smiled as if shrugging his concern for Haruhi off. "Well, I guess it's you and me, Miss Suzumiya."

Kunikida couldn't stop smiling. I felt like punching him, but after all, it was all chance, right?

Actually, with Nagato around, that can't be possible. Taniguchi seemed... annoyed. But I bet he'd probably make do with Nagato anyway.

"You and I are paired together from random chance." Nagato proceeded to say to Taniguchi. "We shall begin our searches."

_Is it just me, or has Nagato's vocabulary improved? She's... a little more talkative, at least._

So, we all set off, in our individual pairs. Now, apparently, I won't be here to see how all the pairs went and what they did, so you'll have to miss my beautiful narrating for the next few parts of this story. You'd best miss it... there's only a few things I'm proud of and one of those is my narration skills... see you, for now.

**Blue Pair: Yuki Nagato and Taniguchi**

After about fifteen minutes of walking aimlessly around town, Taniguchi finally decided to talk to Nagato. It was almost impossible even for Kyon to start a conversation with Yuki, so the less able Taniguchi found the activity rather difficult.

"Uh... Miss Nagato... um... where are we going?"

"I don't know. I thought you knew where we were going." Yuki robotically replied.

"Oh... well, I don't. Any place you would like to go?" Taniguchi asked. He was scared to death of the girl, but couldn't help but be a little turned on by being alone with her.

"There." Nagato said while pointing to a library.

"Oh, yeah. You love books, don't you?"

"Yes." Yuki instantly replied.

Upon entering the library, it was even harder to start up a conversation of any kind whatsoever.

"So... uh... Miss Nagato... um... when I found you and Kyon in the classroom... uh... what were you up to?"

Yuki paused, and worked on an excuse. She searched the data she knew of Kyon, and took his excuse. "I am anaemic. I was about to faint. I was discussing what would happen to my literary club. He caught me as I began to faint. And then you entered the room. Why did you say 'Take your time' after you saw us?"

Taniguchi was startled by how long Yuki had just spoken for. He now had proof that Kyon was telling the truth... and if that was the truth, then Nagato is free for the taking!

"You know, you're quite the hottie... Miss Nagato." Taniguchi slurred out like a drunken orangutan, "How about we leave this place and have some fun." He then proceeded to put his arm around Yuki.

"Do not touch me." Yuki warned monotonously.

"Ha, not too enthusiastic about that, eh? Not so good at playing hard-to-get, are ya? Come on, fight back!" Taniguchi seemed to have forgotten he was in a library. He proceeded to bring his hand further down Nagato's back.

"If you continue, it will be necessary for me to use force."

"Ha, what kind of force? I wanna see! Come on, play rough!"

And with that, Taniguchi put his hand right around Nagato's waist.

"You are a Masochist?" Yuki asked.

Taniguchi was drooling. "Yeah."

"Here." Nagato promptly replied, and punched him square in the face. Being an alien, the punch sent him across the library.

The whole of the library were looking at the Humanoid Interface now, and she considered her explanation.

"He was harassing me. I apologize for my violence. I shall now take myself away from here, and bring him too." she droned, and picked up the unconscious Taniguchi on the way out. "Also, please can I borrow this book?" she asked, and showed the Library card Kyon had help her acquire a few months back.

And so, Nagato returned to the meet up point, to be dismissed by Haruhi Suzimiya.

**Red Pair: Haruhi Suzumiya and Itsuki Koizumi**

"So, Miss Suzumiya, how should we set about searching for these mysteries?"

"Well, we could take a walk up by this park I know... the guys around there all look real suspicious... like they're part of some organisation or something. I wanna check it out!"

Koizumi looked visibly worried, but maintained his smile.

"Okay, let's do it. It sounds like fun, regardless. So, it is it Samisaki park, by any chance?"

"Yeah! How'd you know?"

"Well, I work with some of the people that I see on a regular basis going to this park. They seem... shifty-looking. Maybe they're part of an evil syndicate, or something?"

Haruhi was clearly entertained by Koizumi's on-the-spot cover-up story, but voiced her more accurate opinion. "I think that it's an organisation of super heroes with esper powers! They all look so joyful, so they can't be an evil syndicate!"

"I guess you're right... but I wouldn't go as far as to say they're espers, though."

"I guess maybe not. They could just be some government thing, right? Maybe they're a secret Shinto revivalist group that want people to revere the Emperor as a God again, or maybe they're a Japanese version of that racist American group... the Kub Klux Klub or something..."

"The Ku Klux Klan is what you meant. And I hope it isn't, that'd be scary considering how little people in Japan are white, Anglo Saxon and protestant."

"I know. But wouldn't it be cool if these guys were something weird or awesome?"

"Yes it would." Koizumi said, while maintaining his smile, "Now, on an unrelated note, have you heard of the Anthropic Principle?"

"What's that?"

"It's the theory that a universe cannot exist unless there is something there to observe it, determine their surroundings, and make the universe known. This theory would suggest that the universe itself is actually determined by what sentient beings think of the universe. The weak anthropic principle is a less extreme variant of the theory, which states that a universe cannot exist without observers, yet the universe didn't come into existence _due _to an observer, but to maintain it's own existence was required to have at least one region where sentient life could evolve. However, the strong anthropic principle states that a universe was made once humans appeared on the scene, a universe according to humans. Some advocates of the theory suggest all universes overlap, and that each universe in in fact determined by one particular person's viewpoint of the universe. In other words, there is a universe where I have God-like powers based on my observations, and one where you have God-like powers, and many others where there is only one 'God' each. But they overlap and when all these reality warping people congregate and share ideas, like how the human race does, you get a portmanteau universe based on collective observation. I'm not sure whether or not to believe it, but wouldn't that be a strange way to see the world?"

Haruhi was stunned by Koizumi's impressive and somewhat lengthy monologue.

"Ha! Koizumi, you're so weird!" Haruhi noisily replied, "Kyon told me you were an esper as a joke, once, but you're too weird to be an esper... you're just too obvious. I mean, come on, you fit the perfect stereotype of a teenage esper! There's no way anyone would be that obvious!"

Koizumi worried throughout the whole speech. Had Miss Suzumiya finally caught on?

"Come on, Koizumi, let's go back. I'm bored. I bet everyone's wondering where we are..."

**Unmarked Pair: Mikuru Asahina and Kunikida**

Mikuru looked frightened of Kunikida. Kunikida wasn't helping the situation by constantly looking at Mikuru's chest all the time.

"So... Miss Asahina, do you want to go some place to look for aliens and stuff, like Miss Suzimiya said?"

Mikuru paused and said, "Don't tell Miss Suzumiya this... but I don't like searching for abnormal phenomena. Whenever I go on these searches, if I'm not with Miss Suzimiya I just do something recreational..."

"Like? Come on, my treat." Kunikida stood more of a chance with Mikuru than Taniguchi... he had manners.

"Actually, I wouldn't mind going shopping. I need some normal clothes for spares in case Miss Suzumiya forces me into some ridiculous outfit... I need the excuse." Mikuru replied, with a notable amount of confidence compared to her usual squeaks.

"Cool. I wanna check out some new video games too, so I'll go shopping with ya!"

So the two walked about the town centre, going to all kinds of shops. Kunikida received various winks from lairy male passers-by who were clearly proud of Kunikida's 'achievement' in going on a date with Miss Asahina.

When they got to the clothes shop, Mikuru spent a time that could only be described as 'tends to infinity' looking at various dresses, cardigans, and blouses. The only part Kunikida enjoyed was when Mikuru came out of the changing room with her final outfit, looking positively stunning, and asked him, "How do I look?"

Kunikida only knew one answer, "Amazing." he croaked. Was that... a croak? Perhaps there was something in his throat, or perhaps his lungs were exasperated.

"Thank you. How much is this dress?"

The shopkeeper replied, "1000 yen. A good price, no?" 

"Oh, absolutely. It's so beautiful, and it feels great to wear." Mikuru replied while handing over a set of coins.

"It's on sale. Thought I'd never get rid of it... the bust's too big and height's too small for most people. Anyway, hope you enjoy wearing it!"

With that, Kunikida finally got to go to the game shop. There he beat Mikuru at guitar hero, checked out the new releases, and asked the shopkeeper about Mother 4.

"Sorry, kid. I read Itoi's blog. He's not doing any more games. He says he wants to be the player this time... so if you're an amateur developer, now's your chance!"

Kunikida nodded respectfully, and said, "Thanks anyway, man. Won't it be cool if someone _did_ make Mother 4?"

"Yeah, but I'm not sure if it'd have the same charm as the other's without Itoi's backing... I dunno. Anyway, your girlfriend looks like she's waiting for you..." the Shopkeeper concluded, and then whispered, "Good luck on keeping her... she's one fine catch, you know?"

Kunikida blushed. Girlfriend? Wow.

With the day more than squeezed dry, Mikuru and Kunikida walked towards the meeting area. Mikuru gazed at Kunikida... as if there was something familiar about him.

"What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. You just look like someone I know..."

"Who?"

"Never mind... it's uh, classified... I mean, it's... nothing important."

**Green Pair: Miss Tsuruya and Kyon**

Hello. I'm back. And now that you can bask in my narrative glory once more, I shall tell you what me and Miss Tsuruya got up to.

Tsuruya eyed me over and then smiled at me.

"So, Kyon, where will we search first?"

"You're new to the group, so I don;t expect you to know this, but you know that usually we don't actually search for weird stuff... well, Haruhi does, but I don't."

"Oh... then what do we do? Do we have fun?" Tsuruya asked, and grinned with that incredibly prominent tooth of hers.

"Yeah, we have fun. So, where do you think we should go? Wanna go to a restaurant, get a take-away, or something?"

"No! I have something much cooler! The travelling fair's in town, and we should totally go there! It'll be so awesome, right Nyoron?"

_Damn, she's just as hyper as Haruhi. I guess there's no chance to relax on Saturdays after all._

"Sure, let's go there... what attractions do you wanna see first?"

"Oh, I'll tell you when we get there. After all, I don't know everything that's there yet!"

_Tell me when we get there? She's scarily like Haruhi... she'd best not have powers like Haruhi..._

"Hey, what's up, Kyon? You look like you're thinking about something. Well..." Tsuruya then proceeded to knock on my head as if it was a door, "...think no more! Ha, just go with the flow, Nyoron!"

When we arrived at the fair, it was understandably crowded with people who were all under fifteen years of age... and their parents.

_There'd best be a doughnut stand._

"So, now do you have an idea of what to do?"

"Coconut shy!" she shouted back at me. Did she have to be so loud all the time?

So we did the coconut shy. Amazingly, Miss Tsuruya was actually good at it, knocking even the stuck-on coconuts off the poles they were on. The owner clearly didn't expect his cheating methods to fail, and gave Miss Tsuruya three prizes.

So, walking with the green haired lunatic, which now had two, no, three plush toys in her hands, I asked, "Where next?"

"You can pick. I kinda want you to win something 'cos you're so cute when try hard at something."

_I wasn't trying hard at the Coconut Shy, was I? And cute? Please, Miss Tsuruya, for the love of THIS UNIVERSE do not develop a thing for me. Haruhi would not be impressed._

"Okay, I'll do the basketball hoops... but only after I buy some doughnuts."

After buying doughnuts, I proceeded to shove two into my face, while Miss Tsuruya ate three. I then failed to get the high score on the basketball hoops but still won a prize of two 'tickets'. Whatever they were for.

"Aw, too bad, Kyon. Say, we could get some candy floss to make things better..."

"Yeah, candy floss. Good idea."

And so, with that, we ate a collection of expanded sucrose crystals that some describe as candy floss and headed back to the meeting location.

Haruhi smiled and declared, "Today was a success! I found one weirdo... Koizumi! But did you find anything?" Koizumi smiled unenthusiastically but held his head in hands.

Nagato, who was carrying an unconscious Taniguchi for some reason, said, "We did not. However, he fainted."

"Oh." Haruhi said, with little concern for Taniguchi, "Well, thanks for trying, anyway. Any luck your way, Mikuru?"

Miss Asahina blushed, as did Kunikida. "No, nothing, Miss Suzumiya." Kunikida said on behalf of Mikuru.

_What did he do to her? Damn it, I'm gonna kill him if he did something to Miss Asahina!_

"And you, Kyon? You'd best not have been messing about!"

"No, we weren't. And we didn't find anything. Sorry."

Haruhi almost believed me, but then she looked at my mouth... pink from candy floss.

"Kyon... where did you go?"

_I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed._

"Uh... um..."

Then Miss I-can't-keep-a-secret babbled, "Yeah, we like totally went to the travelling fair."

Haruhi scowled at me as if I were the spawn of the devil. "You'll receive the death penalty next Saturday too, regardless of whether you're late or not!"

_But I'd probably be 'late' anyway._

"Okay, okay."

"Okay, good work, everyone else! Dismissed!"

I stayed behind to speak with Asahina, Nagato, and Koizumi. They all clearly had something to say.

"Okay, guys, I know something's up... what is it?"

Nagato spoke first, still carrying Taniguchi, "I would not have manipulated this space's variable of chance if I knew that I would be paired with such an incessant human."

_So she did cause these pairings... I see, if Haruhi had her wish to go on a date with me, this ploy to entertain Haruhi would be over much quicker than intended._

"Oh, what did he do? Did he annoy you or something?"

"He touched my back and waist. He seemed to have been attempting some kind of courtship ritual."

_That's Taniguchi._

"Oh. So _that's _why he's out cold."

"Yes."

Koizumi looked like he was going to burst, "I hate to interrupt, but I have a grave concern. I believe that Miss Suzumiya could truly believe that I am an esper. If that is the case... then there could be much more espers coming about soon. That isn't good, especially if these ones use their powers both within and outside closed space."

"And what makes you think she knows you're an esper?"

"She said that you joked about it with her at one time... and that I was weird, but then said that I couldn't be an esper because it was too obvious... but I think she genuinely does believe I'm an esper."

"I'm sure that isn't the case. Hell, she got so mad at me when I proposed it to her... she shouted 'Don't mess with me!' and stormed out of the café we were in."

_I'm actually not so sure... but if anyone should be at ease, it's Koizumi. It's frightening to see him nervous like this._

"And you, Miss Asahina?"

"Well, it's your friend, Kunikida... I thought I saw him before, and that's because I have... he's one of my superiors in the future."

_What?_

"I know it may seem hard to believe, but at some point, your friend will invent the TPDD, and then he'll be a leading member of my group of time travellers."

_So, Miss Asahina gets bossed about by an older Kunikida and an older Miss Asahina... in this time period? Man, this is confusing._

"Anyway, I figure I should observe him as best I can, and then make sure he ends up inventing the TPDD."

_There's no doubt that he will... I mean, otherwise Miss Asahina wouldn't be here, right?_

"Okay, so you think Kunikida's someone special? Got it."

_So, to summarise... Taniguchi's a pervert, Haruhi's not quite in the dark any more, and Kunikida's a to-be time traveller... oh man, this world's in danger again, isn't it?_

Author's note: Exhausting stuff, this writing malarkey! Hope you had the perseverance to read it all...


	3. Chapter 3: Strikes, Doubles, and Turkies

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 3: Strikes, Doubles, and Turkeys**

The day was Sunday. The only day I ever get to relax whatsoever. Saturdays are always taken by 'Brigade activities' so I really appreciate Sundays.

So it made me incredibly irate to hear a polyphonic rendition of 'the phantom of the opera' go off at half eight in the morning. Haruhi's ringtone.

I tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but it just rang again... and again... and again. So I fell out of bed, crawled across my bedroom floor, and answered my incessant cellphone.

"Haruhi?"

"Hi, Kyon! Meet me at the bowling alley... the Brigade is gonna have some fun to make up for the hard work yesterday. Even though you were goofing off, I figured I could forgive a lowly member such as yourself! So come on, you cannot refuse my wonderful leader-like forgiveness! Over and out!"

_Depriving me of sleep is a reward?_

This was non-negotiable. If I didn't go to the alley, Haruhi would get angry. Then Koizumi would get worried, call me, tell me to help save the world, and I would have to appease Haruhi in some dumbass way. So I went to the bowling alley.

Now I had never entered the place, and so when I saw Miss Asahina, Miss Tsuruya and Kunikida in the alley, all decked up in bowling attire, I was shocked to see a sleazy old man looking at Mikuru in an... admiring fashion.

"Hey, guys. Where's everyone else?"

Tsuruya yelled back at me, "Yuki's like, getting changed. Koizumi hasn't arrived yet, but I hope he does... I bet he'd super hot in bowling gear! Oh... where was I? Oh yeah! Taniguchi is also changing and Miss Suzumiya's buying us drinks."

_Well, she told me everything I wanted to know. No complaints content-wise but can you tone your voice down... just a little bit?_

Haruhi then walked towards the group, with drinks. Most of them looked alcoholic, but there was one which was a soft drink. Miss Asahina's... I mean, I think Haruhi got the message that I didn't approve of getting Miss Asahina drunk. Not that what I did was right... but... oh, never mind, you get the picture.

"Drink up everyone! Hey, Kyon, I got you a lager top, you don't mind, do you?"

_Haruhi's concerned about whether I'm fine with a Lager top? How come she isn't this considerate all the time? Maybe she plans to make an advance on me sooner than I thought..._

"So, do you know where Koizumi is?" I asked Haruhi.

"He's still not here? I'm going to have to tell him to get his act together, he's always late for Brigade meetings. Just because he's a mysterious transfer student doesn't make him special!"

_If only you knew the half of it._

"Well, I don't mind, whatever. You know, Taniguchi's been a while..."

I noticed just about then that Nagato had appeared, seemingly from nowhere. She was in bowling clothes too, but didn't suit them at all. She continued to read her book.

"Alright, I'll go get changed. See you in a minute!"

And so, I left the group to change. In the changing rooms, I found Taniguchi, about to leave.

"Hey, Kyon. Say, Miss Nagato... uh... what you said about her when you and her were in the classroom..."

"Yeah, what about it?"

"I believe you. Uh... see ya!" Taniguchi concluded, and bolted from the room. He had a visible bruise on his forehead. Whatever Nagato did to defend herself, she did well.

While I was about to finish changing, putting my shirt on, Koizumi showed up in the changing room.

"Hello there. I was delayed because I had to deal with some closed space. Do you know what caused it?"

"What?" I said in a tone as apathetic as I could possibly be.

"You failing to answer your phone first ring. Miss Suzumiya values your presence... even your voice is something she craves."

"You make her seem like a crazy stalker. She doesn't love me that much, right?"

"Well I certainly dealt with some Shinjin today... her irritation levels were high. You must understand this is the case."

_Great. So, not only is Haruhi a totally loopy girl who loves aliens, time travellers, and espers, she also happens to be a bunny-boiler too. Why me? Why can't someone else be the object of her affection?_

"Okay, okay. I'll try not to be unkind to her."

"And no flirting with Miss Asahina either. Haruhi gets extremely jealous."

_Me? Flirt with Miss Asahina? I wouldn't dare._

"Fine, I'll try my best not to."

"Now, I must get changed, and you must meet with Miss Suzumiya. Goodbye for now."

Naturally, when I got back to the group, Haruhi was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"Okay, Kyon, when Koizumi gets here, we're gonna rock this place!" Haruhi shouted. The others also cheered in what seemed like agreement but was most likely fear.

After waiting for Koizumi to get back, and drinking my lager top in the process, Haruhi finally told us what we were going to do.

"We're gonna have a game of bowling with the alley's local champions! They have eight members too! Isn't that a weird coincidence?"

_Yeah, coincidence. But really? Maybe she took what I said on board after I joked to avoid us playing American Football one time. I should keep my big mouth shut._

"Our team name is the SOS Brigade! We will crush the opposition, no questions asked! So come on people, let's do this!"

_Oh brother. We can't lose, either. Haruhi is possibly the worst loser ever._

So, we began our dumb game. Every single member of the opposing team, the Ten-pin smashers, got a strike the first frame. A lot to live up to, considering how we have Miss Asahina on our team.

Haruhi bowled first, and naturally, got a strike. Next was Nagato, who also mysteriously curved the ball in and got a strike. I bowled, and got a nine-spare. Haruhi scowled at me, and tried to do a stupid smile to get her off my case. It didn't work. Koizumi got an eight-spare, but _his_ stupid smile got Haruhi off _his_ case. Miss Asahina got two gutter balls and several stares from Taniguchi, Taniguchi himself got a nine, Kunikida got a seven, and Miss Tsuruya got a strike.

_We stand no chance. Maybe we should just explain to the Ten-pin smashers that the world is kind of at stake here, so they'll go easy on us._

Haruhi frowned at the team before her. "Damn it, guys! I didn't think you'd all suck so much at bowling."

_I did alright! So did Nagato, Koizumi and Miss Tsuruya. Give us a break!_

By frame five, we were losing drastically. Haruhi had ninety points, and a further sixty would be scored if she got two strikes in the next two frames (yep, she got five strikes in a row.), Nagato was equally perfect, I had 62 points, which is admirable considering how... normal I am. Koizumi had 71 points (I hoped to beat his score by the end- well there was no point comparing myself to Haruhi, was there?), Miss Asahina had scored two points by fluke, Taniguchi scored 45 points (he always got a nine, no matter how well he bowled... he just can't pick up spares), Kunikida scored 42 points, and Miss Tsuruya had 79 points.

The Ten-pin smashers had a total of 640 points... and adding up our score we had... well, you can work it out. It's not enough to beat the smashers. In fact, I think it's safe to say that if we don't get at least spares from now on, we're screwed. We're _all _screwed.

So I decide to have a little chat with Nagato and Koizumi.

"Nagato, will you be able to help us out here? If we continue to play like this, we're gonna lose, and I know that that's bad news, right?"

"Yes, it is..." Koizumi interrupted, "You seem to have got the idea that whenever Miss Suzumiya starts losing at anything, she begins to form closed space, and then this reality finds itself in danger."

"So... Nagato, can you help?"

"Of course. I shall fix the lane's data so that our lane forces us to achieve recreationally desirable contact between the bowling ball and the pins. I shall also modify the opposing team's lane, to produce less desirable resultant contact."

_Didn't get any of that. Koizumi, translation please?_

"Ha, we're going to get a fixed lane. We will have no choice but to get strikes, whereas the opposition will have no choice but to get terrible rounds."

So, the game continued in a much less conventional fashion. All of a sudden the Ten-pin smashers' pins seemed to be filled with lead, and their balls simply bounced off the pins. Our lane, however, contained pins which seemed to leap towards the bowling ball, or in Miss Asahina's case, fall over out of the blue.

By frame eight, we were almost up to them, we were only three points behind. By frame nine, I asked Nagato to stop cheating, so she did.

The smashers got a total of 228 points at the final frame. We were ten points up, so we only needed 219 points in total to win... that's 27 and a bit points each. So, we all needed at least a double to win. This was no problem for Haruhi, who got a turkey, finishing her game with a perfect 300. Nagato also got a turkey. Now, it was my turn.

I bowled a strike first, then a four.

_Damn it._

I had to pick this up, and hope that the others would be a little better than me. I did pick up the spare. So twenty points from me. That's 80 altogether so far. Koizumi irritatingly got a double, and then bowled a seven to finish. If you're wondering, yeah, he beat me. Now, here was the girl I was worried about... Miss Asahina.

She pitifully did some attempt at a bowl, and the ball rolled painfully towards the gutter. Then, as if subject to a miraculous force, the ball sped up dramatically, curved straight towards the centre pin, and bowled a strike. I looked at Nagato disapprovingly, but she merely gazed at me as if to say, "Well, what did you expect?"

And to be honest, it's fair enough... Miss Asahina isn't exactly a pro bowler. She proceeded to get two more strikes thanks to Nagato's alien intervention.

Taniguchi needed to get a strike. And he did, then he got another. Taniguchi seemed too good...

"Nagato." I whispered, "You don't need to assist him too."

"I do. He is inferior in skill to Haruhi Suzumiya, myself, Itsuki Koizumi and yourself. If we are to win, he must be assisted."

_Oh, Nagato. So objective._

Kunikida also received alien assistance, got 28 points, and finally an unassisted Miss Tsuruya got a turkey for the final frame. This meant we got a total of 225 points on frame ten... and beat the smashers by... seven points.

Haruhi was ecstatic. "Ha! We did it! We won! We won! I knew we'd destroy 'em!"

The Ten-pin smashers looked depressed. They'd probably never lost at bowling before, and now had just lost to a bunch of teenage weirdos. I mean, wouldn't you be sad... or at the very least, confused?

Turns out the bowling alley had a deal that if anyone could beat the champions, they'd give the team 10000 yen. So we received the prize money, and we decided to go out to dinner... it was five, after all.

"Let's go somewhere expensive... I mean, we have 10000 yen!" Haruhi yelled. And with that, we were at a restaurant known as 'The Wharton Arms'. It was done up to look like an English pub, but it was clear that it wasn't English. For a start, the waiters were just as normal as any other Japanese guy.

Koizumi leaned over to my face, and kept myself as far from him as possible, and Koizumi whispered, "Miss Suzumiya is planning to set up a quadruple date. Let's just play along, okay?"

"Fine, but get away from my face."

We sat down at a table for eight, and from there, Haruhi began some quite obvious matchmaking.

"So, Yuki, what do you think of Taniguchi?"

_Hates him._

"He is somewhat irritating. I shall not embarrass him in front of everyone else with what I know of him."

Thankfully, Taniguchi was too busy searching through the menu to hear her mumblings.

"Oh... okay. What about Koizumi?" Haruhi said in a disappointed tone.

"He is... charming. Unique."

Koizumi _wasn't _busy, and heard Yuki's somewhat false-sounding compliment. In an equally false tone, Koizumi smiled and said, "Thank you very much, Miss Nagato. You also have plenty of charms."

_I hope that was false, or else Koizumi has a thing for someone who he knows to be an alien. How wrong is that? Wait, you're thinking I do just the same, aren't you? I DO NOT._

"Hey, Haruhi, why are you asking all this anyway?"

"Never you mind, Kyon... what do _you _think of Yuki?"

_How am I meant to answer that? I don't want to offend Haruhi, but at the same time I don't want to insult Nagato._

"She's cute. And silent. And somewhat enigmatic..."

Looking at Nagato's glassy eyes, I realized it was time to stop speaking.

"I see... well, we'll have to play spin the bottle while we wait... oh, here's the waiter!" Haruhi said, and quickly said what she wanted. The others also ordered, and after Haruhi got her drink, she played spin the bottle.

The bottle span... it pointed at Haruhi. Koizumi grinned. "Well, Miss Suzumiya, truth, kiss, or dare..."

Haruhi's eyes glimmered like amber. "Kiss!"

"Okay, I guess we should spin the bottle again to see who she kisses..." Koizumi said, with a smile one could only describe as evil.

_Please not me please not me please not me please not me please not me._

"Oh, look, Kyon!" Miss Tsuruya said. "It's you! Haruhi's gonna kiss you! HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Her annoying laugh didn't help the situation. Oh well, it's not like we hadn't kissed before... although Haruhi wouldn't know that.

And yeah, if you're wondering, we kissed. And not only that, but everyone in the restaurant observed. I bet they were thinking 'Oh what a cute couple.'.

Damn them.

"So, I did my dare! Not too bad, Kyon, but it seemed like you were enjoying it too much!"

_Easy for you to say, you were enjoying every second of it._

The next bottle spin landed on Kunikida. Kunikida picked truth.

I asked him, "What did you and Miss Asahina get up to yesterday?"

"Um..." Kunikida looked in fear at Haruhi, "...we went shopping together."

Haruhi looked angry, and then her face mellowed out. "Oh, you love birds like shopping, huh? Why not say that instead of lying to me about your searches?"

Taniguchi was laughing, but then stopped and said, "Wait, Miss Asahina likes shopping? How come you know what she likes, huh?"

Kunikida just quietly nodded, and replied, "I just asked her what she wanted to do, ain't that right?"

"Yeah, he just asked me and we decided to go shopping. It was fun!" Miss Asahina said while blushing. Actually, thinking about it, Kunikida's one of the few guys I'd trust with Miss Asahina... so I don't mind their little 'date'. Plus, if Kunikida's a to-be time traveller, I won't have to worry about romantic involvement between the two.

The bottle span again... and Taniguchi was in the firing line this time. "Truth!" Taniguchi said confidently.

Yuki decided to ask him the question. All of a sudden Taniguchi's confidence dropped. I can see Nagato bullying the poor guy a lot.

"What occurred within the library yesterday between us two?"

_I see. She's forcing him to acknowledge what he did, and forcing him to accept he's wrong. Or maybe Nagato is actually having a laugh?_

"What? You know that! Why are you asking me that? I don't wanna..."

"That's the game." Yuki monotonously stated.

"Yeah, Taniguchi, that's the game." I snidely added. I must say, it's fun watching Taniguchi squirm like this.

"Uh... well... me and Miss Nagato... I tried... I tried... I... I... well... I... I... touched her... and she kept telling me to stop, and then... and then... she knocked me out... punched me!"

Haruhi, Tsuruya, and Kunikida, who were all still in the dark about this, were stunned into silence. This ended when Miss Tsuruya burst into hysterical laughter and Kunikida followed with a little laughter of his own.

"So, that's how you got the bruise." Kunikida said.

"So, that's why Yuki was carrying you." Haruhi added.

"So... so... bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Tsuruya somewhat fired from her mouth.

After dinner, all was normal, and my day ended. This club is getting more and more complicated... I hope Koizumi doesn't tell me about any more supernatural phenomena... I'd faint.

Author's note: I won't be writing another chapter for a while, but I hope you enjoyed Chapter 2... well, here goes.


	4. Chapter 4: Operation JEALOUSY

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 4: Operation JEALOUSY**

Today was Monday, and after being woken up by the alarm that is my sister I hiked on up to school. Monday... mundane, more like. Taniguchi didn't bother catching up with me to chat, so I was slightly worried.

After getting to class, I waited around for either Haruhi, Kunikida or Taniguchi to show up and speak to me. Then, about five minutes late, Taniguchi showed up, Haruhi next to him.

"Hey, Kyon. He wants to talk to you." Haruhi said promptly, looking slightly irritated.

Taniguchi approached me, and then said, "Hey, Miss Suzumiya, is it okay if I talk to Kyon alone?"

"No! I'm the Brigade Leader, and I'll observe all conversations of brigade members!"

_If that's the case, how come you don't know about Nagato, Koizumi, or Miss Asahina?_

"Fine... I need to get this off my chest no matter what." Taniguchi exhaled, and looked downwards.

"What is it, Taniguchi? Stop looking so depressed, you're freaking me out..." I said in a bid to get a smile from the guy.

"Well, you know... Miss Nagato? Well... I'm quite scared of her, Kyon. Something about her... she... she's... not normal, you know?"

_I know. And it's not as if she's got a foolproof disguise either. If this was Men in Black, Nagato would be one of the most obvious aliens of them all._

"She isn't normal, but... she's okay to hang out with. What, are you frightened because she punched your lights out?"

"No... well, yeah, that was scary, but... she's... kind of quiet all the time. She's... what do you call it? Um... she's..."

"...a bibliophile?"

"Whoa, Kyon, I don't think she's a sex offender! I mean, she took very badly to my advances, so she can't be into that kind of stuff anyway..."

Haruhi giggled at Taniguchi's stupidity. I can't say I wasn't on the verge of laughing either, though.

"Taniguchi, a bibliophile is someone who loves books. That's what Nagato is."

"Whatever. Anyway, I'm kinda thinking about ditching this stupid club... but..."

"But what?" Then I noticed the 'but'. Haruhi was glaring at Taniguchi like a cat glares at a dog that won't shut up... or something.

"I... I'll stay! D-don't worry, M-m-miss Suzumiya, Sir... I m-mean, Mistress... I-I'll stay in the B-b-b-b-brigade... see ya!"

And with those fear-induced words, Taniguchi sprinted to his side of the classroom. Kunikida would've loved to see that, but he was strangely absent from class.

Haruhi looked at me with those hazel eyes of hers. She was wearing a smile that said, "I've figured something out". She actually looked rather beautiful this morning, like when I first saw her on that fateful first day of high school. My staring was interrupted, however.

"Hey, Kyon, stop being an idiot! I've figured something out!" Haruhi said, releasing me from my trance. She then lowered her voice to a whisper, and said, "I know why Taniguchi's all hung up about Yuki."

"Why is that?" I whispered back.

"He likes her. A lot. Couldn't you see? He was all lost for words when trying to describe her... and he's sad because he thinks she doesn't like him back."

This explanation, I hate to say, was most likely correct. However, Haruhi would now put a spin on things which nobody would ever think for a million years.

"But I think Yuki _does_ like Taniguchi back. I think that her little forcing Taniguchi to tell the truth last night was her way of making Taniguchi admit he loves her, and she wanted to hear it from him... how romantic!"

_Haruhi, even if you don't know Nagato's a humanoid interface, can't you see that Nagato is incapable of romantic feelings? What, actually, is she incapable? Whoa, thinking about it, she did want me to go on a 'date' with her in the library again... no... that can't be love... can it?_

"Anyway, it's my duty as Brigade Leader to make sure that these two lovers become just that. They'll be kissing by the end of the week! I know it! But I need to help them along with this... and you are too."

"Why do I have to?"

"I'm the Brigade Leader. Don't question my orders."

And, like that, Pair number 1 in Haruhi's wacky romantic comedy was... Taniguchi and Nagato. I'd like to know what she smokes to come up with her ideas of what a good couple is...

Lunch arrived, and everyone was called to the clubroom. Me, Haruhi, Taniguchi, Miss Asahina and Miss Tsuruya were first there.

"Okay guys, get out! I have some new costumes for our mascots... waitress outfits!"

Miss Asahina looked like she was going to cry, and Miss Tsuruya smiled.

"And I'll wear my bunny-girl outfit so you're not self-conscious... guys, OUT NOW!"

So, me and Taniguchi reluctantly stepped out of the clubroom.

Taniguchi started to speak, but I hushed him... for some reason, the changing conversations are much... nicer to listen to with Miss Tsuruya in there.

I heard Miss Tsuruya laughing because 'it tickles', and Miss Asahina was crying, only to be comforted by Miss Tsuruya, who said, "It's okay, they're only clothes... besides, your boobs are super enormous, megas! No need to be so self-conscious!"

_My zip's beginning to hurt..._

"It's not because I'm self-conscious..." Miss Asahina timidly said before Haruhi shouted, "Come on, strip, girl! Tsuruya's done a fine job getting into her clothes, and she looks hot in that, doesn't she? Come on, I'm in a bunny-girl outfit! I'll help you out if you're that worried!"

After a few more screams, Taniguchi going close to crazy, and Haruhi saying, "Come in!" I decided to go into the clubroom.

But just as I did, a familiar, slightly slimy voice said, "Hello there. Me and Miss Nagato were just having a chat, sorry if we're late..."

_Nagato? Chat? No way._

Taniguchi bared his teeth for about a millisecond, as he saw Nagato at the side of Koizumi. What, did he think they were dating or something?

Taniguchi walked into the clubroom, and I stuck around. Koizumi always has some kind of report to tell me.

"So, what's up?"

Koizumi smiled, and said calmly, "Miss Suzumiya has decided on the first pairing."

_I know._

"Yeah, she told me. Taniguchi and Nagato. What about it?"

"Well, Miss Nagato can explain the problem to you... I don't seem to understand."

_That's a first. Koizumi and Nagato understand each other way better than I understand either of them._

Nagato paused, and then fired words at me, "I am incapable of fulfilling Haruhi Suzumiya's desired role for me. I am an advanced interface for observation, and I am adept at controlling data, however, my social functioning is rather inefficient. I am less socially adept than my former back-up unit, Ryouko Asakura. I cannot attempt to perform human courtship rituals as I am not well equipped for such a task. I shall require assistance if Haruhi Suzumiya's desired romantic pairing shall be accomplished."

_So you're saying... you're no good at attracting guys. I think. Man, Nagato's an impossible to understand alien. At least most fictional ones know how to say 'Take me to your leader' in an understandable, clear way. Nagato, please tone it down... please?_

"What she's saying is she needs assistance to successfully attract Mr Taniguchi enough to cause them to deemed 'a couple'. And I have an idea of how we can assist her..."

"Shoot."

"As you probably know, jealousy is a powerful emotion. It will make you want something even more than before simply because someone else has it. I think this is how we will get Taniguchi to fully desire Miss Nagato as a partner. So, we need a fake boyfriend for Miss Nagato if we want Mr Taniguchi to become jealous."

"And have you any idea who this fake boyfriend will be?"

Koizumi laughed, and when he stopped, grinned. "That would be me."

_What? Koizumi and Nagato? A fake couple? What the hell? I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. No-one would buy that for a second. I mean, it's obvious that Koizumi isn't interested in girls... although Taniguchi wouldn't know that. He's got about as much personality perception as a fish on acid. Fish on acid? Now I'm going crazy too._

"Whatever."

"But we'll have to only act like a couple in Mr Taniguchi's presence alone... if Miss Suzumiya caught us being a 'wrong couple'... then I don't know what kinds of disasters would occur."

"Okay, I get the idea. Anyway, let's go in. Miss Asahina and Miss Tsuruya have new outfits on."

And when I walked in... oh man... oh, what a sight! I've seen Miss Asahina's waitress outfit before, but... without the pressure of making a movie, this sight was even more spectacular. Taniguchi was sitting in a chair, mesmerised.

Miss Tsuruya had made tea, and looked almost as good as Miss Asahina in her waitress outfit. Not only that, but her tea was pretty good too. Although not as good as Miss Asahina's... nothing on earth is better than Miss Asahina's tea.

"Hey, Kyon, what about me?" Haruhi asked, and I was semi-shocked to see she was in her bunny-girl outfit. Was this intended to be heavenly? Girls... everywhere... in absolutely awesome outfits! Alas, my staring was interrupted by an overly close Koizumi.

"If I were you, I'd look entirely at Miss Suzumiya before she gets jealous..."

"Fine, fine... but she's the one putting them in these... nice clothes..."

"Do not allow Miss Suzumiya's eccentric ways to cause you to give in to lust. She's convinced you love her, as am I. Now, look at her... it's not exactly hard to look at, right?"

"Yeah, but it is hard to look away from the other girls too..."

Koizumi looked at me as if he didn't understand what I meant.

"Well, I'd prefer it if I didn't have to deal with closed space today."

_Not my problem. Now, to bask in this amazing view..._

"Do not observe Mikuru Asahina or Tsuruya." the voice of Nagato warned. Damn it, these two seem to think they're my parents or something.

"Fine, fine." So, I gazed at Haruhi, looked at an Othello board, and averted my eyes from the other girls. Heaven had soon turned to hell... or at the very least, purgatory.

Lunch then ended, and everyone went off their separate ways. I was about to follow Taniguchi to class when Haruhi called, "Kyon, come here for a moment..."

"What is it?"

"Look at what I've done! I want you to put these profiles on the SOS Brigade website after school. I've already put an online poll for who people think are the best couples, but no-one will know about which couple's best until they know who they're matching up..."

I observed each profile. They all had a photo, and these words attached:

**Haruhi Suzumiya**

Gender: Female

Likes: The Weird and Wonderful, aliens, time travellers, espers, sliders, and winning.

Hates: Losing, normal humans.

Role: Supreme Brigade Leader of the SOS Brigade.

The picture of Haruhi was one of her in a Yukata. She looked pretty good in it... I didn't really appreciate that at the time due to the endless nature of the summer vacation when she wore it.

**Kyon**

Gender: Male

Likes: The Weird and Wonderful, Othello, Chess, Tea... I don't know, Maid outfits I guess.

Hates: This boring world, class.

Role: SOS Brigade grunt and hard worker guy.

My picture was the one of me sleeping one the way to our 'murder mystery holiday'. Still warning future generations, eh Haruhi? Oh, and you can delete that Maid outfits bit, thanks... what? So what if it's the truth, I don't want that on the internet!

**Itsuki Koizumi**

Gender: Male

Likes: Smiling, Chess, Othello, Poker, the SOS Brigade, and Taxis.

Hates: Nothing... I think. I mean, he smiles all the time! Help me out here, Kyon!

Role: Vice President of the SOS Brigade

Koizumi's photo was him looking to the sky in some kind of attempt at a cool pose. Haruhi clearly told him what the photo was for. And I can't blame Haruhi for not knowing what Koizumi hates... I'm at a loss too.

**Mikuru Asahina**

Gender: Female

Likes: Super-cute Molé outfits, making tea, saying 'Classified' for some reason- Kyon, do you know why she does that?

Hates: Being changed, but it has to be done- she's so cute!

Role: Mascot #1 of the SOS Brigade

Now, Miss Asahina's picture was of her in her maid outfit, and was quite a good picture... but I'm not sure if it should be floating around on the internet. And since when did Miss Asahina _like _her outfits?

**Yuki Nagato**

Gender: Female

Likes: Books, the library, science fiction.

Hates: Talking.

Role: Silent cute female character of SOS Brigade.

So, Nagato is apparently into science fiction. Maybe Haruhi sneaked a look at Nagato's book and found the words 'humanoid interface'. Well, whatever floats your boat, Haruhi. Nagato's picture was... Nagato. Just a short haired girl with her head in a book.

**Taniguchi**

Gender: Male

Likes: Girls, Molé outfits, being bad at sports.

Hates: Being rejected (I think)... any more, Kyon? I don't know him too well.

Role: Low-ranking grunt of the SOS Brigade. Sub-ordinate to Kyon.

Yes! I get to be in charge of someone! Now, I don't know how, but Haruhi did manage to get a picture of Taniguchi. He was trying to look handsome, and you could tell.

**Kunikida**

Gender: Male

Likes: Taniguchi, Mikuru, going shopping.

Hates: Kyon, please fill this in for me... this guy doesn't speak much.

Role: Honorary grunt of SOS Brigade.

What? How come I aren't the honorary grunt? Oh well, I guess Haruhi's chosen. Kunikida looked... average on his photo.

**Tsuruya**

Gender: Female

Likes: Everything! She's excitable about everything!

Hates: Not much, if anything.

Role: Mascot #2 of the SOS Brigade.

Miss Tsuruya was also in her maid outfit for the photo... and looked delicious. I guess I have a lot of work to do on Haruhi's blank spots.

After giving Haruhi a nod of approval, Haruhi smiled and said, "Come on, Kyon, lets go to class!"

"Okay."

While walking to class, Haruhi looked like she wanted to tell me something.

"Haruhi, what's up?"

"Um... nothing. Just something about yesterday."

"What about it?"

"Well... I kind of liked kissing you. It was nice... I feel like such an idiot for saying that."

_Okay, now how do I respond to this? 'I liked it too'... 'I was embarrassed'... oh, I'll just use the first option, I shouldn't upset her by saying that._

"I liked it too."

Haruhi was clearly surprised. "Kyon, you're such a dork." she snapped while trying not to smile.

I mean, she was happy that I said that, right?

The rest of the school day was boring, and Haruhi kept exchanging glances at me. I finished up the profiles after school, added them to the site, and walked home.

On the way, I bumped into Kunikida the truant.

"Hey, how come you weren't in school today?"

"Working on something. Something big."

"Well, what is it?"

"Kyon... don't tell anyone, but I've been working on a time travel device. I watched 'Back to the Future', and I thought 'Time travel ain't possible'... you know, 'cos of the conservation of energy law. It doesn't make sense if one time-plane gets a lot of mass coming into it if another has given up a lot of mass because mass is energy and energy in the universe is constant... then I thought the time _could _be a continuum... just another location in the universe... a fourth dimension. If thought of like this, then energy is conserved as it has merely 'moved'... not disappeared from one realm to another. Now, all I need to do is build a flux capacitor."

_Wow. I never realised Kunikida was this smart. Well, I know that he won't end up with a flux capacitor, but he will end up with something..._

"Wow... good luck with that. Seriously. I hope you end up becoming a time traveller... I mean, Haruhi would be ecstatic, wouldn't she?"

"Oh yeah, she's into time travellers, isn't she? Ha, I never realised you listened to Miss Suzumiya so much. You two should totally get together... I mean, you both kissed each other so passionately last night..."

_Shut up._

"Well, I'm glad _you_ got cheap thrills off of it. Pervert."

Kunikida laughed and said, "Well see you later, Kyon." while walking away.

So I continued my walk home. Time for prime-time animé! Unless I'm too late.

Author's note: Lucky Star references for the win! So, you like?

Please do review. I crave them! Maybe I went overboard with the Haruhi-x-Kyon this chapter. Please say if so... oh god, my Author's notes are like a stream of consciousness...


	5. Chapter 5: Eros strikes again!

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 5: Eros strikes again**

Today was Tuesday, and much to both my sister's and my own surprise, I had gotten up early. My sister seemed disappointed at the fact that she didn't get to wake me up.

I walked to school, zombie-like as ever, and took my shoes off at the shoe locker. Taniguchi approached me, and his humour still hadn't changed from yesterday... he was as glum as that fictional donkey from those A A Milne books.

"Hey, Kyon. I'm really tired. Been up all night thinking about Nagato. I think I'm in love with her."

"Really? Because yesterday it seemed that you hated her."

"No... I love her. I actually love her. I don't know why... but there's something hypnotic about her... you know what I'm saying?"

_Yeah, I know what you're saying. Not that I agree with you._

"Taniguchi, I don't think Nagato's taken, you know. You should just ask her out... I'm sure she'll oblige."

"But she hates me after what I did to her in the library... I'm such an idiot, Kyon. I wish I could turn back time..."

_I wish I could too, but it'd just be plain selfish to ask Miss Asahina for such a favour._

"Just ask her! If she says no, at least you tried..."

"Good idea, Kyon! You're such a good buddy, you know! Right, this lunch, in the clubroom, I'll do it!"

_Wow, even Taniguchi's calling it 'the clubroom'._

So, after going to class, practically sleeping through modern history, and somehow making it alive until lunch, Haruhi said, "I've got cleaning duty, Kyon. I expect you to go to the clubroom, though. See you there!"

So I dragged myself over to the clubroom. There, Taniguchi and Nagato were waiting. Taniguchi was fidgeting and trying to start a conversation with Nagato, and Nagato was reading her book as if unaware of his existence. I attempted to signal to Nagato to call their 'jealousy' scheme off while making sure Taniguchi didn't notice I was signalling to her, but to no avail. And, to top it, Koizumi entered the room.

_Along comes Koizumi to screw things up further... I mean, I'd managed to get Taniguchi to want to ask her out, and now Koizumi's gonna start his 'jealousy' plan!_

"Why, hello Miss Nagato. Wasn't last night simply wonderful?"

"Yes. The view of the city lights was spectacular. It was a truly romantic view."

_No no no no no no no! Damn it Koizumi!_

"I felt as if my heart was going to pop out of my chest." Koizumi looked at Taniguchi, smiled, laughed, and continued, "Being with you makes me feel the most euphoric kind of feeling... let's kiss, like we did then..."

"Yes, lets."

_Don't you dare! I mean, it's obviously fake to me but poor Taniguchi's buying every bit of it! I don't want Taniguchi to go insane with love-grief!_

Koizumi and Nagato brought their faces close to one another's... and their lips gradually edged towards each other's. Taniguchi looked like he was going to cry. Then he stood up, and stormed out of the clubroom. I stood up also, ready to say "How was I supposed to know?" but no words came out...

The door slammed, and Koizumi took his lips away from Nagato's. He smiled, and said, "Mission accomplished."

"No, not mission accomplished! I had convinced Taniguchi to ask Nagato out without referencing your hair-brained fake couple! And you undid all that effort on my part! Damn you! Damn you to hell, Koizumi!" 

"Calm down, how was I to know. Well, if I've undone your work with mine, then let's continue with my scheme."

_In other words you think your plan's better than mine._

Koizumi then sat away from Nagato, and Nagato chose to speak. "I knew that you told him to do that."

"What?"

"I knew you had told him to 'ask me out', as you say. I wish for him to 'earn' my respect. This way it will be more like the romantic comedy Haruhi Suzumiya required."

_So you like guys who have earned your respect, Nagato? Then why not respect my wishes and allow for my plan to go through?_

"I preferred Itsuki Koizumi's plan." Nagato stated in response to my thoughts. I wish she wasn't so omnipotent.

Haruhi's voice could be heard faintly from outside the clubroom.

"What do you mean you can't tell me?"

"Sorry, Miss Suzumiya. I just can't." an even fainter voice that belonged to Kunikida said.

The clubroom door burst open, and Haruhi shouted, "Hey, Brigade members! Hey, where's Mikuru? And Miss Tsuruya?"

_Seems Taniguchi doesn't matter to her then._

"Kunikida isn't telling me why he was off yesterday! Kyon, pump him for answers!" Haruhi brusquely commanded to me.

_Actually, why isn't he telling her?_

"No, Haruhi. These things are private. He'll tell you if he wants to, but if he doesn't then it's his business."

Haruhi simply turned her head like a bratty little girl, and sat down at the computer. She then smiled, and said, "Oh, it's like that... huh?"

"What's up, Haruhi?" I asked.

"It's my business, not yours." She mimicked.

_Typical Haruhi. Oh well, time to grill Kunikida._

"So, Kunikida, why did you not tell Haruhi about yesterday?"

Kunikida leaned his face close to mine. He whispered, "To tell you the truth... this super hot woman came round to my house last night, and asked how the time machine was doing... then she asked me if I told anyone about it. I said that I told you, and she said that was alright. But she said that under no circumstances must Miss Suzumiya know. How weird is that? Oh, yeah... that girl looked a _lot _like Miss Asahina, but she looked a bit older, you know, taller and everything. I don't know who she was, or how she knew that I was working on a time machine, but it was sorta scary. I didn't expect the first time a hottie would call round on my house would be because of my time machine."

_So, Miss Asahina from the future is checking up on things. Good old Miss Asahina... I can rely on her... or at least her older version, to not screw around with my plans._

"Look, Kunikida, this seems really weird, and I believe you, but, look, it can't be Miss Asahina you saw... she's right there, and just as short as yesterday..."

And on cue, the ever-beautiful Miss Asahina arrived in the clubroom. She sat down next to Kunikida, and said to me, "I had a really deep sleep last night... I felt like a new girl in the morning."

_Yep, that's older Miss Asahina... putting the younger version of herself to sleep to ensure no interference occurred._

"I'm glad. Say, Kunikida, want to play chess?"

"Sorry, I don't know western chess. Is shogi okay?" 

"Yeah."

So we played shogi, and Miss Asahina observed Kunikida intently as if he was the object of her affections or something. In fact, I bet Haruhi is assuming that is the case, and wants them to be a couple.

After the game of chess, I decided to prod Haruhi to make her tell me what she found on the computer that was so interesting. Haruhi said, "You know how you put those profiles up on the website?"

"Yeah."

"Well, look! The polls! They've been answered! They say who the most popular couples are!"

And guess what? These couples are; Taniguchi and Nagato, Kunikida and Miss Asahina, and Koizumi and Miss Tsuruya. I mean, seriously, this is what the people of the net thought? Really. If it weren't for that stupid camel cricket, the poll would've been left unanswered, and this Brigade would be stupid-couple free.

Quite notably, nothing was said about me and Haruhi.

Lunch ended, and me and Haruhi were sitting through Art class. I was drawing a picture of a Shinjin, and Haruhi was scribbling away drawing whatever. Naturally, she was more talented than me, and finished several drawings before I'd finished my one. She passed me a folded up piece of paper. I hesitated to unfold it, but when I did, I was shocked to see an animé-style drawing of me and Haruhi, holding hands. She was smiling at me, and I back at her. Was this her fantasy? I'm beginning to believe Koizumi's right... Haruhi _is _a crazy stalker.

I didn't bother discussing about it with Haruhi, I simply said, "It's a good drawing.".

_As if the picture quality matters... it's the content I'm worried about._

"I'm brilliant at art! It's all about getting the perfect line curves and gradients!" she said, as if ignoring the fact that she gave me a picture of us _holding hands._

"Look at my drawing." I replied, and showed her my Shinjin.

"Wow, it's like something I saw in my dream one time... I had a nightmare with you in it, and there were monsters just like that trashing the school!"

_Damn_ _it, shouldn't have done that. She's probably gonna clock on that the time spent there wasn't a dream at this rate._

School ended without event, and I began to walk home. I saw Miss Tsuruya while there, who didn't seem to have an excuse for why she wasn't in the clubroom. Now, I knew that the polls said the pairs Haruhi wanted, so I decided to play Cupid once again.

"Hey, Miss Tsuruya, the internet says that you and Koizumi are made for each other."

"Really? How come?"

"Online poll. You should totally ask him out. I mean it. I think he likes you, and I'm pretty sure you like him."

"Oh, like my gosh, megas! I do like Koizumi! He's super super handsome and he's so pleasant to deal with and... and..." Miss Tsuruya then sighed in admiration as she saw Koizumi in person. She ran straight up to him.

I caught up with her, and said, "Hey, Koizumi, there's something Miss Tsuruya wants to ask you..." and winked at him.

"And what is that, beautiful Miss Tsuruya?"

"Like, do you, like, like me?"

_That sentence was 50 percent 'like'._

"Do I find you attractive? Oh, most definitely. In fact, I've been hesitant in asking you out on a date because I wasn't sure whether you liked me or not." Koizumi lied.

"Oh. My. God." Tsuruya then screamed at her highest volume, which was not at all pleasant. "Oh... oh... YES! I'll go out with you Koizumi, you super hunk, you! Give me a kiss!"

And before Koizumi could prepare himself, Tsuruya had leapt at Koizumi, pinned him to the ground and kissed him... tongues and all.

"Well, you love-birds have fun..." I shouted, and continued on my way home. Ha, vengeance is sweet. I'm gonna love to see how Koizumi holds up _two _fake relationships.

Author's note: Yesh! Yesh! No-one EVER saw that pairing coming, now did they?

I feel sly on Taniguchi, he's been put through hell recently...


	6. Chapter 6: The Four Labours of Taniguchi

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 6: The Four Labours of Taniguchi**

Wednesday in German is 'Midwok'. This means 'middle-of-the-week' literally translated. Not that you care about that, but Wednesday holds a special significance to me because it's like a hill you've just reached the top of... it's an easy ride towards the end of the week from here.

I found myself getting into a conversation with Taniguchi about Nagato again. However, this time, he seemed happy.

"Hey, I asked out Nagato after school. I found out her address and went there. She said that she'll dump Koizumi and go out with me if I do these things..." and he then presented me a list.

The tasks on the list were: To declare his love from the top of a roof, write Nagato a poem, read the Lord of the Rings... all of it, and finally, punch Koizumi so hard that he's knocked out.

Is this Nagato's idea of a joke? Is this what she meant when she said that he has to 'earn' her affections? My goodness, I have now been put off hitting on Nagato for the rest of eternity.

"Good luck, my friend... you're gonna need it."

"Yeah, well, I spent all night reading the Fellowship of the Ring, and finished it, then I drank a ton of coffee to stop myself collapsing. I'm trying to read as much of the Two Towers, and Nagato said that I can do Return of the King later. Now, how should I start on writing her a poem?"

"Just think of what she means to you, and put it in writing... but be sure to rhyme. No-one really likes blank verse unless it's Shakespeare who wrote it." I advised.

"Thanks, Kyon. For some reason I think Koizumi is treating Nagato badly..."

_Oh really? Interesting._

"What gave you that impression?"

"She was dead quiet around Koizumi when he reminisced their date or whatever, and only spoke when she was spoken to... like she was hiding something."

_She hides a lot more than 'partner abuse', trust me._

"I'm sure it's nothing, Nagato's quiet all the time anyway."

When in class, Taniguchi was vigorously reading Lord of the Rings underneath his desk. Kunikida was visibly concerned.

Haruhi asked me, "What's with Taniguchi?"

"He's trying to impress Nagato. He's reading Lord of the Rings, and there's other tasks just like that that he hasn't done yet."

Haruhi did a tiny laugh, and then said, "I knew that he loved her! I was right!"

"Yeah, you were right, Haruhi."

Haruhi smiled all the way through maths, a feat which is amazing in itself, even for someone as god-like as Haruhi.

Once again, Lunch was filled with 'Brigade activities', and everyone bar Koizumi, Taniguchi, and Tsuruya were in the clubroom. I was enjoying a game of Othello with Kunikida when Haruhi shouted above any conversation that mattered.

"Everyone, Yuki has something to tell us!"

Nagato blankly looked at the four of us. "Go outside."

We all did as commanded, even Haruhi. When the rest of the school noticed us weirdos hanging around, a crowd soon developed.

"Up there." Nagato pointed at the roof of 'the old building'.

Us and the crowd of rubberneckers looked upwards. On the roof was... Taniguchi.

"Hey! Yuki Nagato!" Taniguchi shouted. "Nagato!"

By this point, all of the crowd had turned towards Nagato, looking at her as if to judge what Taniguchi was going to say next.

"Yuki! I just wanna say..." the idiot continued, "I wanna say that... YOU'RE SUPER HOT AND I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!"

The entire crowd, me and Haruhi included, burst into fits of laughter. Taniguchi turned visibly red, even from the ground. He then dashed inside, and I couldn't wait to meet him back at the clubroom.

In the clubroom, it was clear Taniguchi's redness hadn't faded. Kunikida was loving it as much as I was. Yuki whispered into Taniguchi's ear, "Two more."

"Make that one! I've wrote you a poem, Miss Nagato!" and handed her some paper.

"I see." Nagato replied. She scanned it, and then passed the scrap to me. "Read it."

I paused... and read the stupid thing. And this is the poem, in all its awful glory.

Dear Miss Nagato

I don't know what rhymes with Nagato

'Cos you're such a unique girl

Who's beauty caused my heart to turn,

And I can't go back, I want you so,

So promise me, don't let me go,

But oh, Miss Nagato, cause me glee,

And say that you'll go out with me.

_This is cringe-worthy._

"So, what do you think, Miss Nagato?" Taniguchi nervously asked.

"It is good." she lied, "I am touched by your insight."

Haruhi added, "Yeah, I wish someone would write _me _a poem. Then I wouldn't have to dump them a week later."

_Great, now I have to write her a poem. I hate this dumb Fanfic... I want to go to a drama fic where I'm not the laughing stock. More fourth wall breaking? Man, I'm good._

"Taniguchi, I never knew writing was your style." Kunikida said, "You really want Miss Nagato that bad?"

Taniguchi nodded enthusiastically.

Mikuru piped up. "I think it's very sweet that Taniguchi did that for Miss Nagato."

_Miss Asahina, you're great to look at, but you don't do women rights movements any favours, do you?_

"I found it hilarious to read... Nagato, you okay?"

"Yes." She concluded.

The bell went, and class resumed. Taniguchi was the fool of the class, and even Sensei Okabe joined in in deriding him.

Taniguchi was quiet, but was smiling. I think he's finally accepted that you have to sacrifice 'coolness' to achieve anything you truly desire... or something.

When I entered the clubroom after school, everyone but Koizumi and Miss Tsuruya were there, and Haruhi was clearly happy about something.

"So, Taniguchi, what else do you have to do to earn Yuki's affections?"

"Um, I won't say." Taniguchi replied after receiving a meaningful glare from Nagato.

Miss Asahina was in her maid outfit, and I dare say was looking extra wonderful today. Kunikida was admiring her in a quite obvious way... not trying at all to hide it. Maybe Taniguchi's inspired him to fall in love too...

With that Koizumi and Miss Tsuruya entered the clubroom. Now, I could've warned him... but why sacrifice humour?

Taniguchi punched Koizumi almost instantly upon him opening the door. And he was out cold. He had done it. Haruhi, Mikuru and Kunikida were in shock. Nagato was proud, although you wouldn't have known it. I was... slightly amused. I mean, seeing Koizumi unconscious just... makes my day somehow.

Tsuruya looked at Taniguchi as if he was Satan himself. "_What the hell? _Why did you just punch my boyfriend?"

"B-b-b-boyfriend?" Taniguchi stammered, "B-b-but... he's Nagato's boyfriend, right?"

Nagato thought on her feet. "That slime-ball." she declared flatly, "He's been dating both of us, Miss Tsuruya."

Miss Tsuruya refused to hear it. "But he's like, only been going out with me a day! Why would he do this?"

"I do not know. Anyway, I have found a better man." Nagato said with utter falseness, and turned to Taniguchi. "I will go out with you."

_Don't give up your day job, Nagato. You're not exactly the best actress on the planet._

Yuki then kissed Taniguchi on the lips. Clearly she'd practised... on someone. Taniguchi was so overwhelmed by the whole situation that he fainted. Looks like Nagato will be carrying his unconscious body _again._

Haruhi then shouted, after ages of silence, "Well, Brigade members, love is clearly in the air, and I do not permit any Brigade members to bottle up their true feelings! Tsuruya, get Itsuki up!"

After a couple of minutes of shaking, Koizumi woke up.

"Oh... what happened? Did I get hit by someone?"

"Wakey, wakey, two-timer! It was Taniguchi who put you to justice." I joked.

"Oh... I guess my sordid little game is over." he replied, coming up with his lines on the spot, "I guess Miss Nagato found out... thank you, Mr Taniguchi, you've made me realize..."

"Realize what?" Tsuruya said in concern.

"I've realised that you the one for me, Miss Tsuruya. Miss Nagato doesn't belong with me, but with someone who deserves her. I'm sorry. Please take me back, beautiful Miss Tsuruya..."

_Why does he have to be so good with his words? He can wriggle his way out of anything, that creep._

"Well, I'm glad you're alright, Itsuki. I'm like, willing to forgive you." Tsuruya replied, with genuine pity in her voice. It was about this time that I wanted to add to Taniguchi's fine work and deck him myself.

Haruhi was truly glad that Pair number two was still alive, although she'd only find out about it just then.

_Wait, that means only two pairs are left to make before this madness ends... I mean, at least no earth-shattering events are occurring, right?_

So, now we need to pair up Miss Asahina and Kunikida... I mean, I'm not gonna pair myself with Haruhi until the very end... that way it gives the 'rom-com' scenario Haruhi wants a bit more dramatic significance... right? These last two pairs are gonna be a gruelling effort to make happen...

Author's note: Two chapters in one day! I've got blisters on me fingers!


	7. Chapter 7: God is a Stalker

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 7: God is a Stalker**

Thursday. The day when Friday laughs at you because you think you can catch him, but you never quite can because you're stuck with this loser day.

Koizumi was there to meet me at the shoe locker this time, and as annoyed as I was to see his smiling face, he had somewhat pleasant words to say.

"Hi, Koizumi."

"Why, hello there."

_That greeting is so irritating._

"So, everything okay?" I asked in false concern.

"Better than that. Miss Suzumiya is extremely happy with the way this has turned out. I thank you for forcibly allocating me with my given partner... I would've taken much longer to get with her myself." he added a slightly effeminate chuckle, and continued, "Although, I wonder why it was necessary for Mr Taniguchi to punch me..."

"Well, you can ask Nagato that."

"How come?" Koizumi asked to mock confusion.

_Don't play mind games with me._

"Well, she was the one who told him to do it. He did it for her, not me."

_Although I did approve of it._

"Ah. Well, Miss Nagato must've had her reasons, so I won't judge her for what she's commanded Mr Taniguchi to do."

When I got to class, I was expecting a mundane, boring time. As it turned out, it was one of the scariest things to ever happen to me. In Maths, Haruhi passed me a note.

It said: "You + Me = An item". But something else had added up in my head... I don't have much time left to ask Haruhi out... otherwise the world might end or something. To make things worse, in Chemistry she passed me a piece of paper with a rhyming couplet on:

I am a double bond, you're my electrophile.

And when we react, we'll stick for a while.

_This is too much. I can't handle all these on-paper advances... it's making me feel sick to the stomach._

I stared at Haruhi. She was looking out the window, away from me, and then turned to me, and asked, "What's wrong, Kyon? It's like you want to say something to me..."

_Huh? How come she's so normal after she wrote something as... over-the-top romantic as the note I'm holding? I honestly do not know how her mind works. Anyone out there, please tell me!_

By lunch Taniguchi, Nagato and I were the only ones in the clubroom. Taniguchi was acting like a typical boyfriend towards Nagato, but she just continued to read her book. Something that is both loveable and confusing about her.

"Level with me, bro. Why is it that you and Miss Suzumiya, who clearly have a thing for each other, are not dating yet?"

_Plan my response carefully..._

"I don't have a thing for her. She's just a nutty girl who happens to have taken over my crappy excuse of a life."

"You are in denial." Nagato said. She's obviously been taking speech lessons. "She is crazy about you."

"Yeah, she's crazy alright." I parried, not that it's all that hard to come up with a decent comeback against Nagato.

Koizumi and Miss Tsuruya then came into the clubroom. Koizumi grinned and said, "Hello everyone. No hard feelings, eh, Taniguchi?"

"None whatsoever." Taniguchi said while stifling laughter. I'm sorry, but he got knocked out by Nagato, so I don't know what gives him the right to... although I enjoyed it too.

Tsuruya was happy that this 'consolation' went smoothly, "Oh, you peace-making hunk, you!" she said while pulling Koizumi by arm to kiss him. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel sorry for Koizumi. Miss Tsuruya must be the hardest girlfriend for anyone to deal with.

"So, what were you guys talking about?" Koizumi asked Taniguchi.

"Well, me and Nagato were saying about how Kyon and Miss Suzumiya should totally get together, ain't that right?"

"Yes." Nagato agreed.

"Well, I most certainly agree with you. Miss Suzumiya wishes for you to get together with her more than anything in the world..." Koizumi added.

_I wish the whole world weren't freaking Haruhi-Kyon shippers... I feel like I'd get the whole world resting on my shoulders if me and Haruhi were to pursue a full-on relationship._

"Well, you can think all you want, I ain't doing anything unless I want to." I concluded. And about five seconds after this statement, Haruhi knocked the door open, and was visibly angry.

"Arrgh! Why won't they just get together!"

"Who's this?" I asked, as if unaware that she was talking about Kunikida and Miss Asahina.

"Kunikida and Mikuru! They're having lunch together, they're talking and smiling and laughing, but there's just no chemistry there!"

_Is this the same chemistry exhibited by Nagato for Taniguchi, by any chance? Haruhi, you can't tell a good couple if it came and bit you on the cheek._

"Well, why does there have to be?"

"Because they're a good couple! Even the internet says so!"

_Oh yes, the internet, the most accurate source of information there is._

"Well, if it's so important to you, why not do some matchmaking?"

"Great idea, Kyon! This is why I put you in charge of making the Brigade's website! You're up there for thinking!" Haruhi shouted in some attempt at a compliment.

Koizumi decided to join in, "So, do you want them to be as happy as me, Miss Tsuruya, Mr Taniguchi and Miss Nagato are?"

"Yeah, totally! It's just right! I can feel it!" Haruhi finished, and stormed out of the clubroom.

_Now, let me guess, it's gonna be up to me to get these two together... wait, I could just tell Miss Asahina to play along, and she probably will. She's probably been unaware of this 'rom-com' from the get go... she's the only one of my supernatural colleagues who hasn't mentioned Haruhi's will throughout this whole turn of events..._

So, when lunch ended, class began again, and Haruhi continued to pass her creepy love notes to me. I was actually feeling in danger, like Haruhi would kidnap me in the middle of the night or something.

Taniguchi was speaking to Kunikida about how Haruhi thought that him and Miss Asahina were a good couple. Haruhi was feigning ignorance, but she was listening in. So when Kunikida adamantly denied any romantic involvement, saying they were 'just friends', Haruhi screwed up her face. I had to calm her down somehow...

"Hey, Haruhi, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I just wish Kunikida would get with Mikuru! I mean, it's not as if she isn't cute enough for him!"

"Well, you're right about that... but don't get so hung up about it. It's not that big a deal. I thought you thought love was a mental illness or something."

"I did... but I'm not so sure any more..." she said in a somewhat sad tone. She had slightly tearful eyes.

"Hey, Haruhi, it's alright. You don't need to get sad about it or anything... I... I..." I didn't know how to continue this conversation...

When class ended, Haruhi said "Meet me in the clubroom."

Not to let our favourite Godess down, I went to the clubroom. When I got there, Haruhi was in her bunny-girl outfit again. Miss Asahina was in a very revealing waitress outfit, and was sat next to Kunikida. Taniguchi and Tsuruya were chatting about their new partners, and how great they were... if only they knew the truth.

Nagato had placed an Othello board in front of me. So I had her a best of three... no, five... no, seven... no, nine... game of Othello with her. Why is she so good at it? She learns so damn quickly. She picked up on my strategies quicker than that hyperactive blue hedgehog who's owned by a game franchise of some sort.

Haruhi was trying to do some matchmaking. "So, Kunikida, doesn't Mikuru look cute in her waitress outfit?"

"Yeah, she does. You look wonderful." Kunikida said, and turned to Miss Asahina. She did one of the cutest smiles ever, and then offered Kunikida some tea. He politely declined, and Haruhi was not best impressed.

"You don't have to say no to be polite... Mikuru's the tea-server here, aren't you?" Haruhi said, and undid Miss Asahina's top one button less, so even _more _cleavage was showing.

_Now, no objections to the view, but isn't this a tad obvious, Haruhi?_

Haruhi giggled, and said, "You're so cute Mikuru! I could eat you up right here! Go on, make him a cup of tea!"

Miss Asahina did as commanded. "Here you go." she said, and put her chest forward as she stooped to place to tea by Kunikida. Kunikida was definitely pleased with the sight, and Taniguchi was trying not to look so as not to offend Nagato. My Othello game was now at a best out of twenty-one, and Nagato was not going to let me win. I swore I would give up at the end of this game...

"So... uh... Miss Asahina... you like making tea?" Kunikida asked. "This tea's delicious."

"Why, thank you, Kunikida." Mikuru said, while smiling. She sat down by Kunikida again. Now, judging by Kunikida's reaction, she either grabbed his leg or held his hand underneath the table... so she _had _clocked on to the others' scheme, after all.

After losing to Nagato _again_, I decided to call it quits and head off home.

Author's note: Aaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I screamed... 'cos I didn't know what else to do!

Remember guys, review, review, review! They make my day! Thanks to WinniUsagi, Anmynous, Secret Base, J.H. Kamiya, and ... the beloved reviewers!


	8. Chapter 8: K I S S I N G

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 8: K-I-S-S-I-N-G**

Well, Friday is here. Not that it matters. All that matters is that the world is safe... and that is definitely the case now. After Miss Asahina's performance yesterday I can safely say that Kunikida will be pursuing Mikuru doggedly. And for some reason, I'm not all that jealous... in fact, I'm getting to the point in my SOS Brigade career where I only care about the emotional well-being of Miss Brigade-Leader.

After my hike to school, surprise, surprise, there's someone at my shoe locker. However, it wasn't Taniguchi, or Koizumi. It was Kunikida. He had something to tell me.

"Hey, Kyon... listen to what I have to say..."

"What?"

"You'll never guess what, but another hottie called on my house again... but this time it _was _Miss Asahina! And she asked me what I was doing, so I told her that I was working on the Flux Capacitor. She seemed confused, so I explained that it was for a time machine. She then smiled, and hugged me! Seriously, just like that! I mean, what was up with that?Anyway, I really liked it... she's so warm... and her figure is just so..."

"Yeah, I get the idea. So, did you have a night of romance or something?"

"No, just sat down and watched a film with her. In fact, we watched _the Time Traveller's Wife, _just to suit our situation."

_Our? Has he clocked on to the fact that Miss Asahina's a time traveller?_

"So, was it good?"

"Yeah, it was so good... and all that romance made me think... maybe me and Miss Asahina should be more than just friends..."

_Oh, really? I would never have predicted that... man, Haruhi's dumb Rom-com is predictable as hell._

"Well, good for you. Time for class, anyway. Come on, Kunikida. I have every feeling that you'd make a good couple." I lied.

"If I finish my time machine, which I fully intend to be a Delorean, I won't need to know when class is... I'll just lie in and travel back to nine O'clock when I feel like it."

So, Physics class. Naturally, Haruhi being in stalker mode, she spent the whole lesson poking me in the back non-stop.

_Oh... this is so annoying! Man... man... man... I'm trying to listen to Sensei Okabe... he's saying something about Fermions... oh... oh... that's it, I'm turning round._

"What?" I angrily said while turning to the insane young woman.

"Hi Kyon. Why'd you want to speak to me, huh? Hey, you should totally listen to Okabe, he's telling us important Particle Physics stuff!"

_I know, but I can't listen to him with you poking me in the back, damn it!_

I opened my mouth to reply, but I was interrupted by Okabe. "Hey, whatever-your-name-is and Suzumiya! Quite talking! I've seen you sending love-notes to each other! Stop it! Do it some other time but class!"

Haruhi laughed and said, "You've got it all wrong, Sensei! It's unrequited love... Kyon just has a thing for me... and I'm not co-operating!"

_I swear to god I am gonna kill that girl._

Naturally the class went berserk. And as if they were primary school pupils, not high school students, they sang, "Kyon and Haruhi, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, second comes marriage, then comes a kiddie in a baby's carriage."

Much to my chagrin, even Taniguchi and Kunikida joined in. Sensei Okabe probably loved the abuse I was receiving, but, being a teacher, had to maintain order.

"Alright, that's enough, class!" he shouted, "Now, what's-his-face, no more chatting to your lover in class."

_I hope you're happy, Haruhi, you've made me look like a top-class jackass. I hope there in an afterlife, because you deserve punishment._

Haruhi, as if she hadn't just humiliated me, said, "I have a super-awesome plan!"

I refused to listen to her.

"Kyon! Kyon! Kyon, listen to me!"

"What?" I said as if repeating my actions from ten minutes ago.

"I have a plan for Mikuru and Kunikida. All you need to do is get Kunikida to the lunch hall, and I'll get Mikuru to the lunch hall. Then I'll do the rest! Okay?"

"Fine." I unenthusiastically droned. I hate how she abuses me, and yet somehow expects that I'll still do her bidding. It's like she knows she's a God, or something.

So, when lunch came around I walked with Taniguchi and Kunikida. When we got to the clubroom, I told Taniguchi to go in. I then talked to intended lover-boy.

"Okay, Kunikida, come with me. I need to tell you something private in the lunch hall."

Taking the gossip-lined bait, Kunikida followed me to the lunch hall.

"So, what's this private thing you wanted to talk about?" He asked.

_Damn, Haruhi's late... I can't stall for too long... please, someone save me..._

"Well, it's about Haruhi..." I fabricated.

"Oh, really? What about her? Is it that you and her are..."

But before he could finish his sentence, Miss Asahina had been pushed into Kunikida. It's very rare that Haruhi is a saving grace to me, but this time she most definitely was.

"Oh, Mikuru, you're so clumsy! That makes you all the cuter!" the ever-insensitive Haruhi declared. "Now, you two seem like you wanna speak to one another, isn't that right, Mikuru?"

Miss Asahina had a familiar look of terror in her eyes. "Y-y-y-yes?" she stuttered.

"Good girl! Now, Kyon, why are you hanging around here all pervy and whatnot? Come on, Kyon, lets leave these two in peace!"

Doing as the mad-woman wished, I walked out of the lunch hall with Haruhi, and continued towards the clubroom. I needed to confront Haruhi about this morning... and all the other days of love-note passing.

"Hey, Haruhi, what was all that picture-drawing and note-making over the last few days all about?"

Haruhi was shocked, and for a while, was lost for words. However, she soon piped up, as obnoxious as ever.

"You dummy! Did you think those were for you? In your dreams, Kyon! Those were test love letters in case the couples that were meant to be didn't go to plan! They were for the betterment of love-kind!"

"And the picture?"

Haruhi didn't answer that one. Her statement was a transparent lie, not only because it's obvious that she has a thing for me, but also because each note befitted the lesson her and me were in at that time. If she was saving them for later, they'd be more general in context.

After an awkward silence and a walk to the clubroom that seemed like forever, Haruhi and I entered the clubroom. To my shock the laptops the computer club president gave us were out and being used. Taniguchi and Nagato were playing against Koizumi and Tsuruya at the Day of Sagittarius... part 3.

Tsuruya wasn't happy at the fact she was losing to Nagato. "Oh, Itsuki, like, why is Yuki so good at this game?"

"I don't know, honey, she's just good at computer games," Koizumi said in fake loss of what to say, "Don't worry, I'm sure that if we try, we'll turn the game around."

When I observed Nagato's laptop, I noticed that she was actually going easy on them compared to the hammering she gave the Computer Club. Taniguchi was resting the back of his head on his folded arms.

"Ha, I thought this game would be hard to get, but thanks to my brilliant girlfriend, we're absolutely destroying them!" he said to me. Didn't take long for Mr Desperate to end up taking Nagato for granted, did it?

"Don't be too confident..." Koizumi said, "Look out, Mr Taniguchi, I'm attacking your blind spot..."

Taniguchi quickly sat forward, and started tapping away on the keyboard in a frantic effort to resist Koizumi's virtual attack.

Haruhi was enjoying the game, too. "Hey, this seems fun! Can I join mid-game?" she asked Koizumi.

"Yeah, I think so..." Koizumi replied.

"Well, I'm joining Yuki's team... she's so awesome!" Haruhi said.

_You're speaking for the world there, Haruhi... Nagato is awesome. She's about the most awesome alien I've ever met..._

"Kyon, you can't play because there's only five computers... oh well, finders keepers, losers weepers."

_How is that a case of 'finders keepers'?_

So I sat there, and watched as Haruhi charged forward and overwhelmed Tsuruya the defensive strategist while Nagato defended Taniguchi from Koizumi's persistent onslaught. So, persistent, I may add, that he eventually succeeded in beating Taniguchi, but then got cornered by Haruhi and Nagato. They lost, unsurprisingly... outnumbered, and outskilled.

When class began again, I saw Kunikida... he looked happy with himself. Haruhi also noticed. She leaned towards my head and put her mouth so close to my ear that I thought she was going to bite it off, and she whispered, "You and I make a good team, don't we?"

She was clearly talking about Kunikida and Miss Asahina, but I felt like she was flirting with me. But, however frightened I was, I responded.

"Yeah, we are a good team."

Haruhi laughed at that last line, and I only realised why when I turned to face the front to see Okabe standing over me.

"Jo... Ky... whatever your name is, I've warned you already... stop chatting with Miss Suzumiya!"

_I hate how he assumes girls are the innocents in cases like these..._

Haruhi smiled all the way through the final periods of the day, and when the end-of-school bell rang, she said, "SOS Brigade after-school activities are off for the day... remember to meet up in town tomorrow! Dismissed!"

So, one small mercy... but I'm paying for lunch tomorrow, aren't I?

Author's notes: Another two-chapter day! I feel... alive! Seriously, I've enjoyed writing this fic so much! I'm gonna miss it when it's over... alas, all good things must come to an end, right?


	9. Chapter9: The Victory of Haruhi Suzumiya

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 9: The Victory of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Saturday... the would-be day of slumber for overworked students such as myself. As it turns out, that wasn't the case, and a familiar 'phantom of the opera' tune went off on my phone at eight o'clock sharp.

I answered the phone to hear screaming, "You'd better not be sleeping!" from the amiable Miss Suzumiya.

"Haruhi, it's eight, no-one should meeting up yet..."

"Well, everyone else has!" Haruhi shouted.

So, without warning, I threw some clothes on, said goodbye to my sister, and ran to the rendezvous point in town. To my surprise, Haruhi was right... everyone had got there an hour early. What's with these freaks anyway?

"Penalty!"

So, I bought us all coffees. And the groups were selected again... Haruhi held the sticks in her hand. I picked an unmarked one, and Nagato picked a red one. Koizumi picked a red one also, Tsuruya picked a green one. Kunikida picked a blue stick, and Taniguchi picked a green stick. Finally, Miss Asahina picked a blue stick. That means... that Haruhi has an unmarked one... oh crap.

Taniguchi and Miss Tsuruya looked quite worried, and Koizumi and Nagato didn't change facial expression.

So, once again, you'll be left all alone, without a narrator... because I don't see everything... not yet anyway.

**Blue Pair: Mikuru Asahina and Kunikida.**

Mikuru chirped, "I guess that means it's you and I again, Kunikida."

Kunikida was, of course, smiling away. "Yeah, I guess it is."

So the two walked out of the café. "So, do you want to go shopping again, Miss Asahina?"

"Actually... no. I have something to tell you... something important..."

"What is it?"

"Well... it's that... well, my superiors have let me tell you that... I..."

"Superiors? Miss Asahina, what are you talking about?"

"Well, you see, it's usually classified, but because you're who you are... I can tell you. I... I guess you could say I'm a time traveller..."

"A... time traveller? You mean, one of the mysteries of the world Miss Suzumiya's after?"

"Yes... are you mad that I didn't tell you?"

"No, I'm not. So, was that super-hot woman who visited me the future version of yourself?"

"I don't know what you're talking about... but I have something else to tell you... I've... kind of been spying on you..."

"What?" Kunikida asked in disbelief.

"You see, you are one of my superiors in the future... you are the inventor of the TPDD, that stands for..."

"Temporal Plane Destruction Device. I know, I came up with an original idea for a name only yesterday. So that's why you've been so interested in me! I thought..." Kunikida looked despondent at the fact he'd been conned.

"Kunikida, listen, just because I've been spying on you doesn't mean I don't like you! I do! I like you lot! You're one of the sweetest guys ever! I'm just surprised you're friends with someone like Taniguchi..."

"...He's funny to hang around with. So, we're still friends?"

"Oh, yeah... that reminds me. I need to tell you something about Miss Suzumiya. You know how I'm a time traveller... it's only because... because of her. She wished for us to exist three years ago, and it happened. The fact is... she has the ability to change reality according to her will... but no-one can tell her that's the case because she might end up changing the world so much that it will be destroyed..."

Kunikida was finding it all hard to take in... he thought she was simply a beautiful, kind, and well-endowed young woman... but she was much, much more than that.

"Anyway, Miss Suzumiya's wish at the moment is that you and I get romantically involved. If we don't, she could get angry... and that's when bad things happen... at least, that's what Itsuki Koizumi says..."

"How's Koizumi involved?"

"Oops! That was stupid of me... ignore me, that's classified. But anyway, you and I should get together... or at least pretend to... for the sake of the world... what do you say?"

There was only one answer Kunikida could say.

"I'd be honoured to help the world... especially if what I have to do is go out with such a beautiful girl as yourself... of course I'll say yes!"

Mikuru smiled, and hugged Kunikida. "Thank goodness." she said.

They discussed more and more things, like the role of Yuki Nagato and Kyon, both of which were 'classified information', but Mikuru gave some clues to Kunikida... and Kunikida made his own conclusions on top of that- some correct, some not.

In the end, the pair decided not to rendezvous with Haruhi and the others, and simply watch Dr Who together like a proper pair of time travellers.

**Green _and _Red pairs: Tsuruya, Taniguchi, Yuki Nagato, and Itsuki Koizumi.**

Koizumi and Nagato walked off towards a garden centre. Nagato could sense that something was following them, and shortly after Koizumi noticed the same.

That something was a pair of suspicious partners, Taniguchi and Tsuruya. Taniguchi whispered to Miss Tsuruya, "Now, I don't wanna sound like I don't trust her, but man, he's her ex! I ain't gonna leave her alone with him!"

"I like, totally agree, megas." Tsuruya whispered in her lowest possible voice. "Let's follow them."

So, like a pair of Leopards stalking their prey, Taniguchi and Miss Tsuruya hid behind various shrubs, trees, and garden ornaments.

Koizumi simply gazed at Yuki. "Yuki Nagato?" he asked.

"Yes?" Nagato monotonously replied.

"What do you think of my new girlfriend?"

"She's a wonderful complementary character to you; she is equally positive as you about life, yet has contrasting aspects to you in her personality, like her loudness... that is not an offence to her. I find it charming."

"I'm sure she wouldn't take to it badly... your new boyfriend is equally good to be around. And a good right hook, I may add." Koizumi replied with his stupid grin of his.

Taniguchi and Tsuruya were impressed... their partners were both incredibly 'trustworthy'... well, in their eyes anyway.

"I told him to punch you. It was to teach you a lesson... and it is clear you have learnt it."

"I will never date two girls at the same time again... I needed that punch to bring me to my senses..."

"I am glad you did."

Tsuruya whispered to Taniguchi, "We should, like, go out there and meet them... we can, like trust them now, so let's make it a double date!"

"Good idea, Miss Tsuruya." Taniguchi replied, and then leapt out from behind a Laylandii tree and 'shocked' Koizumi and Nagato.

"Like, hi, guys! Me and Taniguchi were just thinking about how, like totally cool it would be if we stuck with you! So, like, what have you found, Nyoron?" Tsuruya blurted, as if she wanted to blow their cover even more somehow.

"Well, we were actually thinking of buying you two flowers, to show that we love each other..." Koizumi fabricated on the spot.

"Oh, Koizumi, you adorable hottie! I wanna kiss you all day!"

Koizumi grimaced momentarily at the thought. "As do I... however the public would not be best impressed..." he replied, coupled with a quiet laugh.

"I have an idea." Yuki said. "Why not go to somewhere we enjoy?"

"Yeah, Nagato's right, let's go to the library like last Saturday!" Taniguchi added.

"It's a date..." Koizumi said.

"Like, let's go!" Tsuruya finished.

So they all read books in the library, Taniguchi finished Return of the King, and Yuki read the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but couldn't comprehend how a trilogy could possibly be in four parts. Koizumi was reading an Agatha Christie book called 'Murder on the blue train', while Tsuruya read a fashion magazine.

After doing that, they went to the arcade. Koizumi beat Taniguchi at Space Invaders, while Yuki beat Tsuruya at Galaxia. Then they had a tournament on Sonic the Fighters, and Tsuruya won by playing as Bean the Dynamite.

Koizumi, who clearly still hadn't had enough fun, said, "How about we practise a little dance? I think we'll need to do it at some point..."

"Well, what is it?" Taniguchi asked.

"When we get to my house, I'll tell you."

Of course, Yuki already knew. "May I introduce to you..." Koizumi said while pressing a CD player's play button, "Hare Hare Yukai!"

The song somewhat meant something to all of them, but none of them could explain why.

"It's odd..." Koizumi said, "Whenever I hear this song, I just feel like dancing to it... and I have a dance routine pre-set in my head, for some reason... Miss Nagato also knows the same dance, but I'm not so sure if you do... alright... like this."

And with that Koizumi and Nagato circled their right hand, while pointing towards the confused onlookers, then putting their right hand at head level, doing a somewhat effeminate action with it, swiping that same hand across their chest, and then bringing the hand centre chest. Then they held both arms towards their chest and did a cycling motion. From there, they improvised, up until the end of the track, where they did a step to the left, then right, then did an incredibly complex load of hand movements before breaking into a 'that's all folks!' position, where they were kneeled and arms extended toward the viewer.

"Now, something tells me that we must teach you guys this dance... it is necessary..." Koizumi said as if was more than just an awesome dance routine.

"That's great, but, can we just chill for a while?" Taniguchi asked.

"Sure, chill for as long as you want... I think that we won't have to rendezvous with Miss Suzumiya tonight..."

So they chilled, ate, and danced the night away, not worrying about Miss Suzumiya.

**Unmarked pair: Haruhi Suzumiya and Kyon**

Hey, guys, I'm back. What did I miss?

Anyway, after the other guys left me and Haruhi all alone together, I couldn't help but think that tonight was going to be stressful and unnecessary.

Haruhi was trying not to smile, and then she said, "Come on, Kyon, there's somewhere I wanna show you."

So when she took me to her intended place, I wasn't so surprised to see that we were in Samisaki park. "So, is this where you went with Koizumi last week?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

_To be honest I don't know how... I guess it's just a hunch._

"I don't know... anyway, what's so special about here, anyway?"

"Well, when I went here last week, I told Itsuki that I thought this place was filled with espers, and he just ignored me and started yakking on about some 'anthropic principle' or something. It's like he was trying to throw me off the scent... I think he's a head esper or something."

"A head esper, eh? Wouldn't surprise me at all... in fact I've always thought there was something suspicious about him."

"Yeah! That's totally what I thought!" Haruhi shouted while maniacally smiling. "Hey, come with me!"

And before I knew it, I was being dragged away from Samisaki park and towards some place Haruhi would love to call home... all I knew was it would be weird.

"Okay, Kyon! This is my house!"

Yep, it wasn't just a place Haruhi would _love _to call home, it _was _her home. When I entered it, I was surprised to see that it was... incredibly normal. There was a TV in the front room, and a microwave in the kitchen... it was just like anyone else's house. When Haruhi showed me to her room, I genuinely thought that that would be the one weird room of the house, but no, just your average, half-girlish room. It was a room that had a shelf filled with fictional books, cookery books, and video game cases. There was several animé style drawings on the walls, all drawn to perfection by Haruhi the artist. There was also a TV in Haruhi's room, as well as a games console of some kind.

"Hey, Kyon, you ever heard of Touhou?"

_Only vaguely... some game series about vampires and stuff, right? I only know about UN Owen was Her, so the only character I'm actually anything close to familiar with is Flandre Scarlet._

"I know a tiny bit about Touhou 6."

"Oh, do you know how to beat Touhou 6's final boss?"

"Flandre Scarlet?"

"No, that's the extra boss, dummy. Her big sister, Remilia!"

"No, sorry. But I'll observe you playing it and see if I can help in any way."

"Okay."

So Haruhi played the game, and the game was a somewhat insane ikaruga-style shooter. Haruhi was pulling off escapes and evasions which could've only come from tons of practise, and was doing fantastically until... Remilia used some spell-card thing to finish her off.

"You seemed to be doing awesome then... just try one more time."

Once again, spell-card got her. Touhou seemed like a freaking hard game series, I wonder why Haruhi the Bad Loser would want to play such a game... probably because there's supernatural girls in it. The music for Remilia was a good contender for UN Owen was her, and I found myself humming it to myself.

Eventually Haruhi gave up, and said, "Kyon, look at this..."

Then she lifted the mattress of her bed up, and showed me a secret book collection... full of conspiracy theory books, stories of 'real-life' alien encounters, 'proof' of espers and their existence, and a book about time travel and the debate on whether or not it's possible.

So me and Haruhi talked and debated about Haruhi's favourite things in the world... aliens, time travellers, and, you guessed it, espers.

Eventually Haruhi fell asleep in one of my monologues, and I checked the time... 11 PM.

_Wow. I didn't expect I'd be hanging around Haruhi's house for so long._

Suddenly seeing Haruhi's sleeping face made me admire her a little more... and I remembered what Koizumi said during that endless summer... "What if someone were to whisper into her ear 'I love you'..."

I thought after everything that's happened, it would be best that I did that now. So I whispered into her ear, and kissed her gently on the cheek. I also wrote her a note for when she woke up.

It said: Haruhi, when you wake up, I won't be here, so I'm going to tell you everything I want you to know on this letter. I want to say... Aliens, Time Travellers, Espers... they all exist, and they are all hiding from you. The reason why... I don't know. But they seem to be like happiness... they leave when wanted most. I also want to tell you that I know you love me, and always have done. But... I love you too. I love you! I love you! Haruhi, be happy and know that I love you!

Sincerely, Kyon.

_I'm gonna regret writing this down, but at least Haruhi will be happy._

When I finished writing this down, I left Haruhi's house, and got to my house by midnight. My sister said she was worried sick, and had to make her own dinner, something which she hated doing. I have to admit, what I did was sly on my sister... but my sister isn't a Godess... appeasing her isn't forefront ultimately, as sad as that may be.

Author's note: Random references everywhere! Fourth wall breaking! Hare Hare Yukai!

Yesh! Yesh!


	10. Chapter 10: Back to the future!

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 10: Back... to the future!**

I was sleeping, but on the verge of waking up. For some reason, a massive draft had entered it's way into my room. Also I could hear faint, repetitive noises, something like breathing.

So when I opened my eyes, turned my head over and saw Haruhi lying on the floor, it's pretty understandable that I screamed. She was sound asleep... what the hell was she doing there?

My little sister must've heard the scream, and burst into my room asking "What's wrong, Kyon?" and then screamed herself at the sight. She noted how Haruhi was in a dressing gown, and her clothes were all over the floor, so I can see how she assumed the worst.

"Kyon! You dirty man! Why'd you have to do that! While I was sleeping in the house? Why?"

Haruhi woke up to the sounds of my sister telling me off and my fervent attempts to explain the situation. She then spoke up, and said, "It's okay, Little Sister... I snuck in here at night through the window." 

For once I was relieved that Haruhi had spoken. With that, my sister simply left my room, confused.

"Kyon, do you know why I'm here?"

"I'd love to know why you're here." I replied.

"It's because I heard you whisper 'I love you' into my ear, I felt you kiss my cheek, and I read your little note..."

_So, you're just going to ignore the various laws stopping you from breaking into people's houses, are you?_

"Well... I felt like I should return the favour, so I snuck in here, whispered 'I love you' into your ear, and kissed you on the cheek. I then got tired and fell asleep."

_So, that explains all the clothes, the draft, and the dressing gown..._

"Right... so... uh... are we... uh... dating now?"

"Yeah! Absolutely!"

I then heard a polyphonic 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves'... Koizumi.

"Hello?" I asked while picking up my mobile.

The voice of Koizumi replied, "Where's Miss Suzumiya?"

"Right here."

"Oh, okay... now, I'll try and say this as quietly as possible, but... did you tell Miss Suzumiya anything last night?"

"Just a bit of harmless banter. Why?"

"Well, last night I realized that I can use my esper powers outside of closed space..."

"And that's bad why?"

"Because if I can, then other espers can too, and not all espers are as good-willed as yours truly... some wish to harm humanity with their powers. Now they can... easily."

"Calm down Koizumi... actually, she's only convinced _you _are head esper, not anyone else. I think that only you have these powers... not anyone else."

Haruhi was looking at me as if she knew all along I was affiliated with supernatural beings.

"Um, Miss Suzumiya is right next to the phone, isn't she?" Esper boy replied nervously.

"Yes, yes she is. She's heard everything... good luck solving this closed space!" I said, and hung up.

Haruhi was ecstatic. "You... you knew Itsuki was an esper the whole time! You weren't lying to me that one time! He's an esper! A real life esper!"

"Yep, that's right. Life truly is interesting, Haruhi."

"What else do you know, Kyon? Is Mikuru a..."

But a polyphonic 'Doctor who' tune interrupted Haruhi. Miss Asahina's phone.

"Hi, Kyon." Kunikida's voice greeted. "Can you put Miss Suzumiya on?"

_How did he know Haruhi's with me?_

"Sure." I handed Haruhi the phone.

Haruhi said, "Hello? Oh, Kunikida. What? You? Mikuru? Together? Thanks to me? Oh, it was nothing! You look good together anyway! Good luck! I hope you stay together for a while!" and then she hung up.

"Kyon! Love is thoroughly in the air! Our efforts aren't futile! Kyon! I'm so happy I could..." Haruhi then proceeded to hug me s hard that I felt like the victim of a Boa Constrictor. Then a polyphonic 'Gourmet race' saved my lungs. I was released, and Haruhi answered.

"It's for you." she said, and handed me my phone, "It's Taniguchi."

"What's up?"

"Hey Kyon." Taniguchi's voice replied, "I had an awesome time with Koizumi and the others last night... we did some dance called Hare Hare Yukai and then had a pillow fight! It was so awesome! We had a sleepover and everything! It was so cool! And it's all thanks to the SOS Brigade. You and Suzumiya deserve a medal for making this weird club. What? You wanna speak, too? Oh, okay. Yuki wants to speak to you."

I then heard Nagato say, "I also enjoyed myself." The phone then hung up again... how much more of these phone calls was I gonna receive? Oh well, I'm glad even Nagato had fun last night...

This morning had been simply wonderful so far, but it got better... my sister had made me and Haruhi a romantic breakfast for two.

"Enjoy, guys!" she said.

We spent most of breakfast gazing into each others' eyes... now, I still aren't that keen on a serious relationship with Haruhi, but I wish this moment between us would never end... Haruhi wasn't insulting me, or hassling me, or doing anything remotely evil or inconsiderate... perhaps this is all she needed... for the weird world we live in to reveal itself to her.

"Look, Haruhi, I'm sorry for all the times I've been sarcastic... or... tried to keep you in the dark. Koizumi told me not to tell you he's an esper, but I've always wanted to..."

"It's okay, Kyon. I'm sorry if I've acted bitchy or nasty to you... I just wanted some attention, that's all."

"It's okay. I know that now..."

My little sister came to 'check up' on us. She then whispered, "When you're done with that mouthful, kiss her!"

My sister's whispers were loud enough for Haruhi to hear, and Haruhi visibly blushed.

"What do you say Haruhi?"

"I say finish your mouthful..." she replied back in a somewhat seductive way.

Then we kissed... on the lips, for what seemed like ages. It's the point where in a romance story music would play, and the camera would circle around us while we kiss... I hate to say it, but I enjoyed it... a lot.

The day got better from there... we stayed in, doing homework, playing video games, and generally just having a good time. I then decided it'd be good to go on a date... a _real _date, with Haruhi.

Upon exiting the house, I was surprised to hear crackling, and see a massive flash, and a Delorean appeared where the flash was... Kunikida's prototype TPDD. And yes, Kunikida was in it, wearing a ridiculous grey wig, and a slightly older-looking Miss Asahina was in the passenger seat.

"What the hell is this?" I asked instinctively.

Then, doing his best 'Doc Brown' impression, he said, "Enough about that... something happens in the future!"

He then started raiding my trash and put it in a 'Mr Fusion' reactor on the top of his time machine.

"So, what happens to us?" I asked.

"It's not you, you turn out fine! It's your kids, Kyon! Something's gotta be done about your kids!"

So I entered his time machine, as did Haruhi, who was clearly loving the fact that Kunikida and Miss Asahina were both time travellers.

"Wait a second, Kunikida... if I know this correctly, your time machine needs to get to 88 miles an hour to travel through time, right? The road isn't big enough here..."

"Ha, you didn't watch the end of Back to the Future, did you? Alright, I'll say the line..." Kunikida then cleared his throat, "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads..." and then he put on some funky-looking 'flight glasses'. I then felt the car float upwards, and quickly accelerate up to 88 miles an hour, sparks coming off... and then...

FLASH!

Now, to finish with a song:

_Nazonazo, mitai ni_

_Chikyuugo wo tokiakashitara_

_Minna de dokemade mo ikerune._

_Jikan no hate made BOOOOON!_

_WARP de LOOP no kono omoi wa_

_Nanimo kamo wo_ _makikonda souzou de..._

_A-so-bo-u!_

_Aru, Hareta, hi no koto_

_Mahou ijou no yukai ga_

_Kagariniku, furisosogu_

_Fukanou ja naiwa._

_Ashita, mata, au toki_

_Warainagara HUMMING-u_

_Ureshisa wo atsumeyou_

_Kantan nandayo konnano._

_Oikakatene._

_Tsukamaete mite._

_Ookina yume, yume_

_Suki desho?_

_(Musical ending, epic win)_

Author's note: It's finished! I bet that ending was unexpected! Haruhi's more aware than ever, and there's a freaking time machine... made from a Delorean?

If you're disappointed with this ending, feel free to vocalize... I might make an alternate ending.


	11. Chapter 10a: Warm and Fuzzy Feeling

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 10a: Warm and Fuzzy Feeling**

Something's... wrong. Or at least that's what it felt like, anyway. Oh, hold on... time's been reversed for the sake of an alternate ending. At least I don't have to blame Haruhi for this time-loop this time. Okay, relax, get back into character... okay, here goes.

I was fast asleep, and now being Sunday morning my sister gave me a break from being attacked. However, I was slowly waking up, as I could feel a draft on my face... that kept going in, then out, then in, then...

_Holy crap! Haruhi's standing over me!_

I woke up to see the beautiful face of Haruhi... but it wasn't anything to be happy about... I mean, what the hell was she doing in my room?

"How did you get in?" I asked in a half-groggy tone.

"I climbed through the window... do you want to know why I'm here?"

"Yes... please enlighten me."

"Well, I heard you whisper 'I love you' into my ear last night, and I also felt you kiss me on the cheek... then after you left I checked your note... it was so sweet and... well, I decided to return the favour."

_Wow. So I guess we're a couple now, huh?_

"So, are we... well... dating?"

"Yeah! Well, this relationship clearly isn't Platonic, is it?"

_No. Not any more... my preventative measures were over-ridden last night._

"No, it isn't. So... you want some breakfast?"

"Do I?" Haruhi shouted and bolted from my room to my kitchen. Now, I was still in bed, but I could hear my sister shouting, "Why are you here, Miss Suzumiya? What are you doing in your dressing gown... oh... Kyon, I'm gonna kill you!"

I now could safely say I wasn't going to get away with not being attacked in bed by my little sister.

"Kyon!" my sister shouted while slamming my door _open, _"What is Miss Suzumiya doing here in her _dressing gown?_"

_This explanation's gonna take a while. Time to stand up and come up with an answer._

"Well, sis, I went to Haruhi's house last night... and Haruhi and I did all sorts of fun things! I watched her play Touhou, and then we discussed aliens, time travellers, and espers... and then Haruhi fell asleep. Then I..."

"Then you what?" my sister said. Haruhi had ran up by this point to try and save me from a truly grizzly fate, and said, "Then he kissed me on the cheek. So I came round and did the same, while he was asleep."

My little sister was shocked at first, but then was happy, "I had a feeling you two were more than friends! Oh, Kyon, I'm so happy for you! Now, don't think that I will let you do the dirty in this house, but I'm happy for you!" and then ran downstairs to make some breakfast.

While we waited, a familiar 'I know a song that'll get on your nerves' ringtone rang away. I picked my phone from the floor and answered Koizumi.

"Hi there."

"Listen, I know you told Miss Suzumiya that I'm an esper..."

"Actually I only insinuated... now due to your telling off, Haruhi's heard everything..."

And I was right... Haruhi heard Koizumi over the phone, and was grinning away. She was making motions like she wanted the phone.

"Hey, Koizumi, Haruhi wants to speak to you..." I said, and handed the phone over.

"Itsuki! I can't believe it! Kyon was right! I was right. You're an esper!"

"Um... yes. I truly was a mysterious transfer student."

"See Kyon? He _did _have a good chance of being mysterious!"

_I won't burst your bubble and tell you that you got lucky on that one... your logic was totally flawed._

"Yeah, yeah. Now, hang up... esper boy's embarrassed..."

"Wait, Miss Suzumiya, what did he say?" Koizumi anxiously asked.

"Oh, nothing!" and she hung up as commanded. Me and Haruhi soon burst into laughter afterwards. And to make life better, Taniguchi called.

"Hey Taniguchi." I answered.

"Hey, Kyon. Say, I had a blast last night with Koizumi and the others... for some reason, I feel like I've thanked you before, but in case I haven't... thank you... thank you for making this Brigade... thing. It's been so much fun... thanks. Oh? Hey, Yuki wants to speak to you..."

I heard an exchange of phones, shortly followed by, "I have also enjoyed myself."

Hearing Nagato admit she had fun was enough to make me smile all on its own. "Hey, Nagato, this wouldn't happen to be a time-loop, would it?"

"No."

_Liar._

"It is merely an 'alternate ending'... a divine being mentioned being 'a sucker for fluff' and so an alternate reality has been made to suit the demand for fluff. This is not a product of Haruhi Suzumiya." and with that, Nagato hung up.

Haruhi was confused as to why she was involved, but was interested about the 'time-loop'.

"So, is Yuki a time traveller?"

"Well, some would say... but she's more like an alien than anything else."

"Oh... a time-travelling alien? Well, that leaves nothing for Mikuru! Oh, and I thought that cutie was something weird too..."

"She is... she's a time traveller, but a human one. She time-travels more than Nagato."

My sister had been listening in the conversation for ages now, and I could tell she was about to explode. "GUYS! Your toast is ready!"

Yep. Toast. Something tells me she could've made a romantic breakfast for two if she wanted to... or something. Anyway, we ate our super-romantic toast, and then decided to go to Wacdonalds for some lunch.

"So, Kyon." Haruhi said while taking a chip and eating it, "What other weird things have gone on behind my back? Go on, I believe you now..."

"Well... Kunikida's a time traveller also, and you know Ryouko Asakura? That girl who transferred out? She didn't. She was 'deleted' by Nagato."

"Why?"

"She was Nagato's 'back-up' alien... and she disobeyed her orders." 

"That seems a little harsh of Yuki..."

"Well, lives were at stake..." I said, being careful not to insinuate that it was my own life at stake.

"Oh... wow, I didn't think Asakura was capable of killing anyone..."

"Neither did I..."

So I told Haruhi everything I knew, from closed space to the older Miss Asahina, and my suspicions that Miss Emeri Kimidori is another alien... but I didn't tell Haruhi that she was a Godess, nor did I mention that Closed Space is made by a God-like entity... I made up a cover story.

"So... all of this is... true?"

"Yep. The world is an interesting, and it's just how you want it!" I enthusiastically said. It felt good to unload all the secrets I'd been guarding from her.

"Well... can I see everyone and ask them myself?"

"Sure, why not?"

So I relinquished my 'date' with Haruhi to be dragged to Kunikida's house. From there, we sneaked in through a mysteriously open door. In the basement were two sleeping figures... Miss Asahina and Kunikida... fast asleep next to what looked like a Delorean.

"Don't try to wake them up..." I said to Haruhi, "It's probably because their older versions are in this time... for some reason time-travellers don't let their younger selves see their older selves..."

"How do you know this? Have you seen the older Mikuru?"

"Yep... haven't seen the older Kunikida, though."

"Is she still super-cute?"

"Is she!" I replied back... and Haruhi scowled. Maybe not best to compliment Miss Asahina's looks now that I'm supposedly in a committed relationship with Haruhi.

"We're going to see Itsuki." Haruhi said. And then I was dragged over to Koizumi's house. There, we were greeted by a nervous, not-so-smiley Koizumi.

"Hello, Miss Suzumiya. Can me and Kyon talk?"

Haruhi said, "Sure, Mister secretive..." and stormed off into another room.

Koizumi then showed his true emotion... anger. "Listen, I don't care why you did this... but... you could have put this world in grave danger! Who knows what will happen now! _I _will have to deal with this and this is _your _fault!" Koizumi bitterly whispered.

"Look, I didn't tell her about her own powers, just yours. Take a chill-pill, Koizumi, just smile like you always do. This world's safe, especially now Haruhi's so happy."

"I wish I had your confidence..." Koizumi concluded. I told Haruhi that she could come in and instantly she began interrogating me.

I simply told her Koizumi was angry that I told someone about his esper powers, and he thought his secret was safe with me. I'm a pretty good liar when put on the spot, you know? But, this next event, I cannot lie, was classic.

The somewhat white noise of a shower coming from Koizumi's upper floor stopped. Sounds of a bathroom door unlocking and opening were heard, and when we observed the stairs, everyone but Koizumi was surprised to see Miss Tsuruya in a towel.

"Like, what are these guys doing here, Itsuki?"

Koizumi quickly tried to explain (to us), "We had a sleepover. Taniguchi and Miss Nagato were there."

"Don't be shy, Itsuki! Tell them!"

Koizumi sighed, knowing Tsuruya would just babble anyway, "We shared a sleeping bag."

"Yeah that's right! What a night of passion, right, Haru-nyon?"

Haruhi replied, "Wow, Tsuruya, you and Itsuki _are _a feisty couple, aren't you?" 

"Well, it's not like we got up to anything..." Koizumi tried to recover socially.

"Oh really? Trapped in the sleeping bag against your will?" I jeered. I hate the guy, so therefore I loved seeing him squirm... even though me and Haruhi had a similar episode ourselves.

"Oh, Itsuki's just joking around, isn't that right? There's no way anyone would need to be embarrassed about such an awesome way of showing love to one another?"

_I'm actually beginning to feel sick... Tsuruya just won't shut up. Next she'll describe the night in graphic detail, won't she?_

"Well, like, first we..."

"Come on, Haruhi... I've heard enough." I said while walking away. I did _not _want to hear any more about Koizumi's unwilling night of 'passion' with Tsuruya. I mean, I was loving it a minute ago, bit Miss Tsuruya has a tendancy to take things too far...

Haruhi followed me out, and after a long, silent walk towards my house, Haruhi eventually asked the question on everyone's minds...

"So, what's so supernatural about you?"

"What?"

"Well, all my other friends are, so surely you are too..."

"No... I have no special powers... the only thing that makes me special to you would be..."

"...that you're my boyfriend." Haruhi finished, and then kissed me on the lips. I must say, these kisses from Haruhi just feel more and more right each time.

_Maybe a long-term relationship with Haruhi won't be so bad at all... I mean, I could even go through a sequel like this..._

Now, to finish with a song:

_Nazonazo, mitai ni_

_Chikyuugo wo tokiakashitara_

_Minna de dokemade mo ikerune._

_Jikan no hate made BOOOOON!_

_WARP de LOOP no kono omoi wa_

_Nanimo kamo wo_ _makikonda souzou de..._

_A-so-bo-u!_

_Aru, Hareta, hi no koto_

_Mahou ijou no yukai ga_

_Kagariniku, furisosogu_

_Fukanou ja naiwa._

_Ashita, mata, au toki_

_Warainagara HUMMING-u_

_Ureshisa wo atsumeyou_

_Kantan nandayo konnano._

_Oikakatene._

_Tsukamaete mite._

_Ookina yume, yume_

_Suki desho?_

_(Musical ending, epic win)_

Author's note: So, what next? A crack alternate ending? Please say. Also say which ending you'd want a sequel to... I kind of prefer this ending... my other one was too much of a rip-off...


	12. Chapter 10b: And Mr Whitley's a

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 10b: And Mr Whitley's a...**

...Crack-head!

I woke up to the sound of The Who screaming, and I faintly heard the sound of a hovercraft pass my house. Something tells me a guy named Dr Breen was inside it.

What the hell happened? I mean, hovercrafts don't just randomly drive down the street, do they? As if by magic, Haruhi had appeared on the floor of my bedroom. She woke up, and said, "Goo goo g'joob. Zip zap zub a da bop!"

"Haruhi, I'm not going to ask why you're in my room, but this is no time to be referencing Cosby! The Who screamed and some guy named Dr Breen is driving a hovercraft down my street."

"So? This is normal." Oh crap... the divine beings have screwed with this world again... so why am I immune to it? Why do I notice these changes instead of thinking it's the norm?

"Haruhi, I'm going to catch a train..." I said... I wanted to get out of here.

"Oh, don't worry, I'll catch one for you." Haruhi replied, and she pulled a giant fishing net from hammerspace. She then ran out of my house, and I observed from the window. She put on a disguise that made her look like a fat guy in a black suit, and then a blue-coloured steam train with a face approached her gingerly. Then she swiped her net and caught the thing.

_I'm sorry, but WHAT THE HELL, Duwee Davis? Crack?_

Then, as if the narrator guy who apparently now exists could here my voice, some disembodied narrator said, "Yes! Crack! Crack! Crack away... with easy cracker!"

_My god I hate this ending..._

But to make things worse, Billy Mays was at my door. "Hi, Billy Mays here for the waterproof potatoes. Have you ever had trouble dish-washing your potatoes? Not any more. These genetically modified potatoes are osmotically inactive, so they never swell or become uncookable when dish-washed."

"No, I don't need waterproof potatoes at the moment." I said while trying to push him away from my house.

"YOU DO NEED WATERPROOF POTATOES!" he shouted back, but then got hit over the head by Haruhi's catch of the day.

"Damn Billy Mays... they're getting more and more common these days..." Haruhi said as if she hadn't just killed a salesperson with a sentient steam train.

Then I got a call from Koizumi. I answered it, and Koizumi answered, "Nice of the Haruhi to invite us over for a picnic, Gay Kyon?"

_If anyone's gay, it's you, Koizumi. Oh, what the hell, I'll finish the reference._

"I hope she made lotsa spaghetti." I nonchalantly replied and hung up.

"Hey, Kyon! You shall get no spaghetti! I'm not making the picnic!" Haruhi angrily told me.

"Then who is?" I asked as if I knew what the hell anyone was talking about.

"That would be your mother!" she said, and gave me some photos showing a masked guy doing it with some woman who was not my mother.

"Indeed. And now, he's here to *beep* us!" Haruhi continued, actually making a beeping noise when she swore, "So listen up, boy!"

"No!" I shouted, and ran out of my house from the driveway. I then sprinted over to Nagato's house... if anyone's sane... she'll be... right?

"Nagato! Nagato!" I shouted over the intercom in her apartment block, "What the hell is going on?"

A somewhat manly voice replied back, "THIS. IS. CRACK!" and then Nagato appeared in front of me, and kicked me. Surprisingly, a hole had appeared behind me, so I was now falling to my death. There was several other beings falling too, like a guy with an orange gown and a chalice, who was saying 'Mah boi' over and over.

_This is the worst alternate ending known to man. This best be a parody, or else I'm not taking part in the sequel..._

Can I sing a song for you?

_Nazonazo, mitai ni_

_Chikyuugo wo tokiakashitara_

_Minna de dokemade mo ikerune._

_Jikan no hate made BOOOOON!_

_WARP de LOOP no kono omoi wa_

_Nanimo kamo wo_ _makikonda souzou de..._

_A-so-bo-u!_

_Aru, Hareta, hi no koto_

_Mahou ijou no yukai ga_

_Kagariniku, furisosogu_

_Fukanou ja naiwa._

_Ashita, mata, au toki_

_Warainagara HUMMING-u_

_Ureshisa wo atsumeyou_

_Kantan nandayo konnano._

_Oikakatene._

_Tsukamaete mite._

_Ookina yume, yume_

_Suki desho?_

_(Musical ending, epic win)_

Author's note: Surprisingly, I wasn't actually on drugs when I wrote this... crack is hilarious to write... seriously I just randomly referenced stuff and made nonsensical things occur, and boom! Crack!


	13. Chapter 10c: Let sleeping Gods Lie

The Rom-com of Haruhi Suzumiya

**Chapter 10c: Let sleeping Gods lie...**

This is starting feel like Wayne's World... how many endings were in that again? Anyway...

My peaceful slumber was disrupted and ended by a ringtone... 'the phantom of the opera'... must be Haruhi. Something tells me she should be here in person... or something.

I answered the phone, "Hi, Haruhi. What's up?"

"Kyon, I know what you did to me last night." she said in a somewhat angered tone.

"Yeah, so? It's what you wanted, isn't it?" I asked bluntly.

"Grrr... it's against the rules of the Brigade for a lowly member such as yourself to hit on the Brigade Leader! You're in lots of trouble!"

"But I thought you liked me..." I replied in confusion.

_What the hell does this girl want? She sent me all those notes, and acted like a stalker for all this time for her to waste her opportunity on telling me off?_

"I do. But you have no right to hit on me. Now, Kyon, do you want to go out with me?"

"What?"

"Well, if I hit on you there's no issue."

"Oh, is that how it works?"

"Yeah!"

"Oh, okay. Yes, I accept. But what's with asking me out over the phone, I thought you hated that..."

"Don't remember pointless things." Haruhi finally said and hung up. She then called again to say, "Oh, come to my house if you want asking out in person so badly!" and hung up again.

Well, I'd best go to Haruhi's house... otherwise closed space would pop up everywhere. So I put my shoes on, walked on over to Haruhi's. But on the way there, an unwanted, smiling walker joined me. "Hello there. I noticed you told Miss Suzumiya I was an esper last night. I'm... irritated, but I'll forgive you. Anyway, why are you walking here at the moment?"

"Going to see Haruhi."

"Oh... that's good. Maybe you could convince her to stop this time-loop somehow."

"It isn't Haruhi. It's some guy who's writing a Fanfiction. He's catering to his beloved fans by writing alternate endings."

"Oh... well, how is it that you know this?"

"Well, Nagato mentioned to me about a divine being wanting 'fluff'... or at least, that's what I remember from my Dejá vu... now, fluff is a Fanfiction term, so I assume that the divine beings are readers, and the one modifying for the demand for fluff is the writer."

"That's an excellent theory... I'm not sure what to make of it." and with that, Koizumi left me to do my 'duty' of talking to Haruhi. When I got there, Haruhi was wearing a face that screamed "Late! Penalty!" but no words exited her mouth.

"Okay, Kyon. I'll go out with you, on one condition; write me a poem like Taniguchi did for Yuki!"

"What?"

"Well, do you wanna be with me or not?"

"Okay." To be honest, I didn't want her _that _bad... but I was afraid of the consequences. So I knuckled down and wrote a poem.

Here was my pretty awful poem (though not as bad as Taniguchi's);

_Haruhi, Haruhi,_

_Your beauty amazes me,_

_For you are the girl_

_Who changes my world._

_Haruhi, Haruhi,_

_We're perfect together, see?_

_All the school seems to think so._

_So, Haruhi, Haruhi,_

_Don't be so cruel to me,_

_Simply say yes, and we're there!_

_Yes, you and me,_

_Kyon and Haruhi,_

_We'll find the mysteries together!_

I knew I could do better if I tried, but Haruhi seemed to lap it up. She was smiling it, and re-read it about nine times. "Okay, Kyon! We're going shopping!"

"For what?"

"You'll see!"

So Haruhi dragged me to the mall, where we entered a clothes shop. Haruhi then bought a Yukata. It was rather loose when she tried it on, and was way too tall for her, but she bought it anyway.

"Haruhi, why did you buy that? It didn't fit you at all." I asked without stopping myself.

"It isn't for me, silly. It's for you... but they won't let guys try on Yukatas in the shop."

_What? She expects me to cross-dress for her? What goes on in that demented head of hers?_

"Now, we're going somewhere you'll like."

That 'likeable' place was the game store. Now, don't get me wrong, video games are great, but I'm not all that crazy about them.

"I'm getting you Touhou 6. That way you can get good at it and help me beat Remilia... I've been stuck on her for so long!"

"Oh, okay. How long did it take you to get good at Touhou?"

"Long enough." Haruhi replied back as if it answered my question.

_How much wasted hours were there going to be cross-dressing and gaming for Haruhi? Ugh, I don't want to think about it. But I guess I have thought about it now, haven't I._

Then I met two people who I never expected to see in the game store... an older Miss Asahina, and an older Kunikida. Wow, he gained wrinkles quickly.

"Hello there, Kyon. Me and Kunikida were just reminiscing old times together... say, this time-plane... Miss Suzumiya knows about the supernatural at this time, right?"

"Well she does now." I replied, and observed the silent but ecstatic Haruhi.

"Oh... say, Kunikida, was this what you intended all along?"

"Uh, well, I did want to reminisce with you _while _getting the job done..." Kunikida said with a slightly apologetic tone.

"Oh, you always have an ulterior motive..." Miss Asahina said almost admiringly. Was she married to Kunikida in the future or something?

"Well? Miss Suzumiya? Say something!"

Haruhi was still smiling away, but then blurted out in no particular order, "Mikuru? Kunikida? Time Traveller? Older? Future? Together?" and then fainted from happiness.

"Well, I'd best take Haruhi to her house." I said, and paid for the games before picking up Haruhi and leaving for her house. "Say hi to the future version of me for me... if that makes sense."

"Okay." Miss Asahina said while smiling.

When I got to Haruhi's, I laid her down on her bed. Eventually she woke up. "K-Kyon? You... carried me home..."

"Yep. I'm glad you found the fact that Miss Asahina and Kunikida being time travellers as fun as I found it?"

"Why, did you faint too? Wait, when did you find out?"

"Well, remember when you went with Nagato and Koizumi to search for strange things early on in the Brigade's history?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, Miss Asahina told me then. She didn't mention Kunikida, probably because that version of her didn't know about Kunikida being one anyway. In fact, it was only recently this time-plane's Kunikida started working on time-travel..."

"Wow, you know a lot. What else do you know?"

"Well, Koizumi _is _an esper, and Nagato is a... Humanoid... Interface... thing. Anyway, she's kind of like a representative for aliens."

"Oh. What about sliders? Are there any sliders?"

"Not that I know of..." I said, but was interrupted by a blue-haired girl who said, "You ask for me?"

I hadn't met this girl... but she didn't look from this universe... there was definitely something 'alternate' about her.

"I've dressed up as you in a cosplay café, I'm like, your biggest fan!" the girl said to Haruhi, seemingly ignoring the fact that she had walked into Haruhi's house.

"Who are you? Why did you barge into my house?" Haruhi asked in a way similar to yours truly.

"Well, I just learnt how to go through realities, and I've always loved the Haruhi Suzumiya series, so I thought 'Why not go to their universe first?'."

"So, in your universe, is this world an animé?" Haruhi curiously enquired.

"And a light novel series, and a Chibi series, and there's even a game for your series too."

"Say, do you reckon your universe is a fictional place in this universe?"

"Most probably... my name's Konata Izumi, if that name rings any bells..."

"No, it doesn't... Kyon? Do you know about an animé character called Konata Izumi?"

_Konata... from... oh... I should've realized earlier from her blue hair..._

"She's from Lucky Star." I said.

"Lucky Star? Well, that's a sucky name for my universe. I thought it'd be 'The Melancholy of Konata Izumi' or something." Konata disappointedly said.

"Sorry, about that... the truth hurts, doesn't it?" 

"Eh... it does. Anyway, see you! I'm going to the street fighter universe next!" Konata replied, and held up a device that looked like an MP3 player, and then disappeared.

"Can you believe it, Kyon? A real slider? Here? In _my _bedroom? Kyon! I might faint again! Quick, put on your Yukata so that I don't!" Haruhi ecstatically said.

"How will me cross-dressing stop you from fainting?"

"Just change. Or will I have to help you, like Mikuru?"

_No thanks._

"Uh... I'll pass." I said, and quickly changed into the traditional Japanese outfit. If it wasn't so... feminine... I wouldn't mind it. I mean, it's comfortable to wear, right?

"Oh, Kyon, you look wonderful! Here's a kiss for your beauty!" she said, and kissed me on the cheek. "Now, you tell me who we should see... Itsuki or Yuki." I didn't try to think about why Haruhi wanted to see one of them, but she clearly did, so I had to pick/

I didn't feel like seeing that creep Koizumi, especially with this Yukata on. So, I picked Nagato. On the way to Nagato's apartment various passers-by laughed at my outfit and asked Haruhi who her 'Gay friend' is. I felt like punching those idiots in the balls, but unfortunately laws forbid that kind of thing.

So we got to Nagato's flat, and then I got Nagato to let us in. There, Nagato looked at me as if she wanted to say something. But Haruhi had other ideas.

"Yuki, I hear that you're an alien!"

"I am an alien to your kind, yes."

"So, is there any other aliens around?"

"Other Humanoid interfaces within our vicinity include my new primary back-up unit, Emeri Kimidori, and my former back-up unit Ryouko Asakura. There is also a humanoid interface for an entity separate to my own known by the thought entity as Macrospatial Quantum Cosmic Existence. The name of the interface is unknown."

Haruhi was silenced by Nagato's complicated vocabulary.

"Nagato, you looked like you have something to tell us."

"It is a message from the 'creative party' of the entity. They want the thinking party to convey a message from the member 'Duwee Davis II'. It is not a message for you, but a message to the 'observing party' of this universe. It is simply this: This is it, no more alternate endings. I need a rest, and I promise to create more absolute data soon. That is the message."

_Was she talking to the reader? I thought that was my job! Oh, Nagato, ever the subtle one._

"Haruhi... we should probably head off now... but we're taking Nagato with us. We also need to collect Koizumi and Miss Asahina. We need to dance Hare Hare Yukai... I just know it."

"Yes we do. We should go, Haruhi Suzumiya."

"Okay! Let's dance, dance, DANCE!" Haruhi finished.

Here goes:

_Nazonazo, mitai ni_

_Chikyuugo wo tokiakashitara_

_Minna de dokemade mo ikerune._

_Jikan no hate made BOOOOON!_

_WARP de LOOP no kono omoi wa_

_Nanimo kamo wo_ _makikonda souzou de..._

_A-so-bo-u!_

_Aru, Hareta, hi no koto_

_Mahou ijou no yukai ga_

_Kagariniku, furisosogu_

_Fukanou ja naiwa._

_Ashita, mata, au toki_

_Warainagara HUMMING-u_

_Ureshisa wo atsumeyou_

_Kantan nandayo konnano._

_Oikakatene._

_Tsukamaete mite._

_Ookina yume, yume_

_Suki desho?_

_(Musical ending, epic win)_

Author's note: Yep, I'm part of the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. The creative party don't send down that many humanoid interfaces... but I am one of the few. Ha! I'm wrapped up in my own little world!


End file.
